This Netflix post is about hitmen.

And two of the hitmen are John Cusack. Yeah, look at that! Themes! Or motifs! Or whatever.

In Bruges: This one does not have John Cusack in it. What it does have is an awful lot of Colin Farrel sitting on benches, which is fine, because the dialogue is quick and snappy and there's a running gag about midgets. The film revolves around two hitmen sent to bide some time in the purgatory that is the town or city or tourist trap of Bruges, until Bad Things Happen. And sure, along the way there's a dwarf and a girl and some cocaine and some violence. I enjoyed the way the movie easily drifted from "dramatic and introspective" to "cleverly silly" and back again, while somehow never seeming like a tonal disaster. The third act posed some trouble for me-- I wasn't a big fan of the ending, and there's a major thematic coincidence, which is a thing lots of people hate (not me), so watch out for that. But it's beautifully shot in the actual, beautiful town of Bruges, and the dialogue flows marvelously-- I see that it's up for Best Screenplay at the Oscars, and I wouldn't mind if it won.

Also: Colin Farrell's eyebrows are capable of forming 45 degree angles, which is odd and fascinating.

And now, the Cusack:

Grosse Point Blank and War, Inc: I find it might be best to review these in tandem, because they're so damn similar and yet so far apart. They share a production company, a screenwriting credit for John Cusack, and three actors-- John and Joan Cusack and Dan Aykroyd. And, of course, they're both about a disillusioned hitman who wanders into a situation that will inevitably topple his currently jaded worldview. It seems War, Inc was deliberately written to echo Grosse Point Blank, without ever actually being a sequel. And hell, Joan Cusack is basically the same character in both. John Cusack usually plays the same character in everything anyway, but here they're very similar-- Brand Hauser may as well be Martin Blank if he never went to that reunion. But where Grosse Point succeeds, War fails. GPB, on the whole, is a pretty clever enterprise filled with entertaining and interesting situations and snappy patter, yet that cleverness is nonchalant; Cusack makes it look easy, as he usually does in his better work. War constantly tries to tell the viewer that it's so damn clever, and here's what society's going to be like in five years, but it sits there like a lump. Most of the things it's supposedly satirizing are old hat by now; it's been done, and better, by many others, so the movie comes off as tired as Cusack's character looks in some scenes.

We get energetic performances from everybody in Grosse Point, from Cusack to Driver to Azaria to Mr. Trick from Buffy to Cusack to Greg's dad from Dharma and Greg to Arkin to Aykroyd to Cusack to Cusack to Piven; War, Inc tries to imitate the same feel, but the characters come off less "energetic" and more "bipolar;" we've got Hilary Duff as a Middle Eastern Britney Spears/Lindsay Lohan/etc. media whore who craves attention but really just wants to be loved or something (yawn); Marisa Tomei as Lois Lane (this wasn't so bad); and Ben Kingsley as... hell, this guy isn't even trying anymore. John C. is again a hitman who needs a therapist, but instead of turning to Alan Arkin like in Grosse Point Blank, he turns to his car's OnStar device. (Do you see? It's so damn clever!) The character dynamics never feel true, nor does anybody consistently change-- things just happen and get weird, or "twists" pop in for the sake of spicing up the plot.

Like In Bruges, Grosse Point Blank has a major coincidence at the end and doesn't ring true in the final few minutes, but the ride is a fun one throughout the film. War, Inc never rings true at all. Well, except for Cusack's badass fight scene. In Grosse Point Blank, we still had the lithe, young, whippersnapper of a Cusack; War, Inc leaves us with the puffier, jaded version, still trying to deliver lines like he did in Say Anything.... I know he's still capable of good work, and he's watchable in just about anything (I love America's Sweethearts. There, I said it), but I sense some lack of caring in this production. Surely, I'm wrong, but in the end, War, Inc comes off as an overstuffed, undersouled production, and Grosse Point Blank is the exact opposite.

Netflix 3: The Search for Suck

Watchin' stuff and stuff. Yeah.

Blade Runner - Theatrical Cut: I've seen bits and bobs of various cuts of this movie over the years, but never the whole thing straight through. And I still haven't, having dozed off more than once-- hell, more than twice-- during this movie. It's considered by some to be the best sci-fi ever, but I found it to be a cure for insomnia. I can't say I'm interested in going back and watching the bits I missed.

Bullitt: Here's another movie whose reputation is far greater than its worth. Here I was thinking this would be a marvelous 60s flick about Steve McQueen kicking ass, but it's pretty boring, overall. I may have started to snooze during this one, too. And the car chase, called by some the best car chase ever? It isn't. Not by a country mile. (Best car chase ever? Still the Blues Brothers.)

A Clockwork Orange: Now, this might be the best novel-to-film adaptation I've ever seen (though honestly, how much competition does it have?). Sure, it leaves off Burgess' original final chapter, but that part of the book feels more like it's been tacked on out of necessity rather than growing out of the plot and character as we know them. Kubrick gives us an unflinching film filled with the worst humanity can offer us, shot more or less as blatantly as possible, stuffed with lingering close-ups of faces going mad and constant scenes of Malcolm McDowall being utterly tortured by the needs of the film. I imagine this was hell to shoot, but it was worth it. Perhaps not as great as the book, but a very interesting creature in its own right-- needs more Nadsat, though. Would I have liked this as much if I hadn't read the book? Not sure. And I don't usually ask that question with a book adaptation.

I Spit on Your Corpse!: And here we have a shlocky grindhouse feature from the 70s. Apparently produced in two months, from script to screen, and also known as "Girls for Rent," this actually turns out to be a pretty fun exploitation flick, if you're into that genre. It has chase scenes more exciting than Bullitt, at least, funneled through the plot structure of a screwball comedy of errors and near misses, even though it's supposed to be a tense thriller, and chock full of gratuitous nudity and violence. The acting's bloody terrible, there's no real protagonist, and the whole thing goes as far as it's able before collapsing in on itself, but for a piece of crap thrown together thirty-five years ago, it's-- *gasp*-- more well done than it should be. And I like that. I feel like Tarantino's Death Proof owes a helluva lot to this movie.

Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels: The movie that made careers for Guy Ritchie and Jason Statham! It too has that familiar comedy structure filtered through the collander that is fun English accents and zany criminal violence! A highly enjoyable crime romp.

Slaughterhouse-Five: Another book-to-film. Here's the thing: Kurt Vonnegut's novel is my favorite book of all time, so I felt it was my duty to see the movie version (released in 1972--three years after the book came out) even though I was sure to hate it. Well, I didn't hate it. The book, of course, is  infinitely better. I could say the same of V for Vendetta-- even though the movie was pretty good, it can't hold a candle to the prose. If you've never read the novel, this movie might be highly enjoyable. For me, though, it excises my favorite part (the explanation of Tralfamadorian novels), we never *see* the little hand-plungers themselves, and "So it goes" does not pop up at all. It's like a Vonnegut story with all the really Vonnegutian bits cut out. The performances, from a cast almost entirely unknown to me (Edgar Derby looked familiar-- he was on Magnum PI in some episodes! And Miss Teschmacher is Montana Wildhack!), aren't bad, but nothing groundbreaking. So, good, but not, you know, Slaughterhouse-Five.

Smart People: One of those introspective not-really-comedies that shows us that the intelligencia are as dysfunctional as the normies! Well, bleh. Ellen Page is Ellen Page-y, Thomas Haden Church does his funny deadpan thing, sure, okay. Dennis Quaid goes back and forth from his Harrison Ford impression to his Jack Nicholson impression as he plays a stereotypical bearded, misanthropic English professor. They're all miserable, but by the end, they shut up and deal with it, apparently, because all you really need to be happy is to decide to be happy. Uh, no. For smart people, these people are not very smart.

THX 1138 - Special "Ruined by George Lucas" Edition: Wow, did this suck. I thought this was supposed to be a smart sci-fi film. I mean, Robert Duvall and Donald Pleasance, man! But, no. I should have remembered I hate everything with George Lucas' name on it that isn't Indiana Jones 1-3. What was the point of this movie? What was the plot? Why does any of this matter? It doesn't. Nothing happens and then the movie is over. Logan's Run is very similar, only that, at least, is awful because it's a silly B-movie, rather than being a pretentious pile of Wookiee dung. And it also has a plot.

Winter Passing: From the DVD cover, and the fact that Zooey Deschanel (whom I adore) and Will Ferrell are in it, one would assume this movie is another quirky indie comedy. It isn't. It's "sewious dwama," by which I mean it's about sad, broken people who supposedly grow by the end even though they really don't/shouldn't. Deschanel plays a self-destructive actress who goes back home and Learns About Her Family, and blah blah. Ed Harris plays the exact same character he played in The Hours, only heterosexual, this time: a broken, mostly suicidal author living like a sick recluse. Again, yawn. Give it a pass.

Man, I hate so much. So much! But I want to love!

Netflix Interlude: A List of Things that Appear in Tokyo Gore Police

Having just watched the most ridiculous epic of our times, the over-the-top-so-far-it's-under-the-bottom and yet strangely glorious Tokyo Gore Police, Japanese cinema's thematic follow-up to Machine Girl, I thought about doing a review. But a review would not do it justice. This is the kind of movie that Chris Sims loves to summarize. It's absolutely mad. So I'll just list a few of the details that are in this baby. Like so:

• Characters called "Engineers" whose wounds morph into monstrous body-horror weapons
• Topless women with sewn-shut scars in place of nipples
• Top half? Lady. Bottom half? Fearsome, toothy maw.
• An Engineer gets his wang bitten off only for it to transform into a mutant cock shotgun
• A drawing-and-quartering
• Exploding heads
• A quadruple amputee in a BDSM gimp suit with swords for arms and legs
• The above, but with assault rifles
• A man getting his hands cut off
• An old medical examiner with a blue fauxhawk
• A gun that shoots fists
• TV commercials glorifying and selling wrist-cutting products
• PSAs against seppuku
• A snail woman
• A guy who bleeds so hard that the force of his bleeding propels him into the air like a rocket

Etc. And yet, it's still often dull in parts. Half of this movie consists of shots of blood spraying everywhere.

But if you like absolutely gratuitous violence, copious amounts of gore, and utter, utter nonsense, this is the perfect movie for you.

Netflix Diary 2

All I've been doing is watching movies. Oh God. Help me. Send women.

---

Color Me Kubrick: Yeah, the trailer made this one out to be a lot more fun than it ended up being. John Malkovich plays Alan Conway, an alcoholic con man who goes around pretending to be Stanley Kubrick so that people will buy him things. Hilarity should rightfully ensue, but instead it's more like a sad clown going around making other people sad. The most fun I had watching this was counting how many of the actors appeared in Doctor Who or its various spinoffs. The answer? A lot. I suppose there would've been more in this for me were I more familiar with the real Kubrick's career, as there's a lot of allusions/riffs on his work here-- I caught some Clockwork Orange and Spartacus refs, but most of it surely went over my head. Anyway, I don't recommend this. It turns 85 minutes into a long haul.

Dan in Real Life: I would also assume that romantic comedies are supposed to be, you know, comedic. This one isn't. It's more of a drama about a guy who is known for giving many readers advice on life (we don't see/hear any of it in the film) but whose own life is falling apart a bit. Things get more and more awkward until everyone just decides that things are okay again. Yawn.

Fido: Here's a good one. A film that I could only describe as "Shaun of the Dead meets Lassie," this charming little movie is about a boy and the docile zombie he befriends. It takes place in a bizarre, Tim-Burton-esque 50s-era world where everything's just quaint and peachy except, oh yeah, zombies are the new slaves, that is, when they're not trying to eat you. All the world's children are now desensitized to violence and trained to shoot zombies in the face. Anyway, things break down a bit and trouble brews, of course. The tone is quite interesting, but the farce and the emotional content blend pretty well in the end. Carrie-Anne Moss puts in a good performance. I might have to buy this one. It's an excellent little entry into the zombie oeuvre.

The Good Night: I knew nothing about this going in other than it had Martin Freeman and Danny DeVito in it. Imagine my pleasant surprise when the first two shots of the film feature Jarvis Cocker (of Pulp) and Simon Pegg (of awesomesauce). It had to be good, right? Well, it was okay-- a twisting drama of a man who finds reality to be unfulfilling, so he regresses into his dreams, only to become unfulfilled by those in the end, too. I think it was labeled as a comedy, as well. Who decides genres these days? Life has comedic moments, sure, but that doesn't turn life into a comedy. Same with some of these movies. Anyway, this one was okay. A bit too slow in places, and held up by Simon Pegg being quite funny, as usual.

Meet Bill: This one's the story of a sad guy named Bill who hates his life and decides to make it better by... well, quitting. Naturally, I can relate, but that just further depresses me. Jessica Alba's character is completely pointless, but then, so's her career. Aaron Eckhart is pretty decent in the title role, Elizabeth Banks further demonstrates her ubiquity, and the kid from that Jack&Bobby show does surprisingly well. A decent way to kill an hour and a half, I guess.

The Nines: I also knew nothing about this going in, except that Ryan Reynolds is in it. That man can make anything entertaining by his reaction shots alone. And we get a few of those in this, sure. It's a very odd, three-part sort of movie in which Reynolds plays multiple roles and the audience slowly comes to understand just what the hell is happening, almost. It's a bit weird, it's a bit meta, but I enjoyed the way the connections came together. Really, it's just hella strange, and I can't even begin to explain the plot, but it involves levels of reality and people being other people and things not being what they seem. If you enjoy working through confusion, see it.

Severance: I've been meaning to see this for a while, because it's a British horror-comedy and James Moran wrote it. Again, however, tone becomes important-- there's a lot more horror than comedy. That's alright, I guess. The horror is pretty good and everything. Unfortunately, the whole thing wasn't very funny. But the last line is priceless. So, yeah. It's okay. Not everything can be Shaun of the Dead. Woo. Scintillating review.

Now go away, I have movies to watch.

Netflix Diaries: 2/4/09 - 2/6/09

Well, well! Another interminable stretch of time has passed on this empty desert I call a "blog," and nothing new has been posted. I guess I haven't had much to say. Or perhaps I did and didn't feel like saying it. And then, I suppose, there's those things I wanted to say that I've forgotten.

This post, however, may be the first in a series. I say "may" because I get distracted and/or bored quite easily. But here's the deal: I just signed onto Netflix this week and have begun watching seemingly endless hours of marvelous and horrible cinema through instant streaming on the ol' Xbox 360. This will be the place where I blather on about what I watched. Because I know my imaginary audience craves an infinite stream of my amazing opinions! Off we go:

Instant:

Maniac Cop: One of the few Bruce Campbell movies I hadn't yet seen, this mid-80s horror/thriller is a terrifically bad movie. Once again, Bruce plays a guy who only really becomes the hero by default, and then proceeds to do nothing really heroic, though I guess he at least sort of distracted the Maniac Cop by getting punched in the face long enough for said Cop to accidentally impale himself. But sure. It's not a very good movie, but it's got some fun stunts, some neat cameos (Sam Raimi! Jake the hillbilly from Evil Dead 2! Jake LaMotta!), and, of course, The Chin. Oh. And Shaft is in it. So it ain't all bad.

No Country for Old Men: Seriously? This won Best Picture? Geez. I'd been looking forward to seeing this for aaaages, and finally got the chance. Well, I didn't like it, really. At all. I usually love the Coens, but this one did nothing for me. None of their signature sparkling dialogue was to be found, and long stretches of plodding, plodding, plodding actually started putting me to sleep. Josh Brolin is a cipher, Javier Bardem's haircut outperforms him, Tommy Lee Jones is living furniture, Woody Harrelson is Woody Harrelson, and Kelly Macdonald's lovely Scottish lilt is nowhere to be seen. These people can do better. Really. But at least it keeps up the streak of me really not enjoying the Best Picture winner, like, ever. Since Forrest Gump, at least.

The Omega Man: Now, here we go. As devoted a fan of Chuck Heston as I am, having adored just about everything in which he's ever starred, in fashions ironic or otherwise (gotta love El Cid, the Naked Jungle, Planet of the Apes, and, of course, Soylent Green), I had never seen this. Oh my, am I glad I have. This is probably the best of Heston's "dystopian sci-fi" films, as he plays Robert Neville, the last man on Earth-- or is he?-- who spends his days cruising around town, hallucinating, talking to himself, watching Woodstock footage over and over, and shooting up robed, albino mutants with a submachine gun. When the plagues came, some of the infected turned into weird, hooded Puritan monster men who want nothing more than to rid the world of science and technology and revel in their dark ages-- but they've gotta kill Chuck to do it! And he ain't havin' none of that.

Really, this film is just ten kinds of awesome. Heston wanders around shirtless when he's not dressed like Jon Pertwee in Doctor Who, plays chess with a bust of Caesar, and falls in love with a blaxploitation caricature who-- gasp!-- begins to show real depth before the inevitable tragedy. But yeah, this movie's loads of fun, a veritable 70s masterpiece. Suck it, Will Smith in I Am Legend.

The Thing: No, I'd never seen this either. Yeah, this is the John Carpenter version, which is improved upon the original in that it has 1000% more Kurt Russell, Keith David, and Wilford "Diabeetus" Brimley. A bunch of dudes in Antarctica go paranoid when a shapeshifting alien invades their base. Excellent bottled premise, loads of creepy stuff going on, some great tension-ramping, and absolutely brilliant creature effects, especially since this came out 27 years ago. Kurt Russell's finest film? Maybe... this or Captain Ron, surely.

On disc:

Sunshine: This is that 2007 movie directed by Danny Boyle and starring the Scarecrow and the Human Torch on a journey to reignite the sun. It sounds awesome-- I love me some helionauts-- but the lovely Bradburian premise only gets it so far. At first, one thinks the movie is a well-shot, indie arthouse space flick. But then it becomes a disaster movie, and then some kind of thriller/slasher picture, and then I wasn't quite sure what the hell was happening at the end because of how confusing the shots were, and then it was over. All in all, it was decent, I guess, but it never really pulled together for me. Scarecrow and the Torch hate each other, then they try to save each other, then they hate each other again, but it's all about the "mission," and, yawn.

Things You Should Know About Me I

1. The "Director" and "Producer" claims on the sidebar are pretty much lies. The "Writer" claim is debatable. The "Crazy Person" is true. I have a certificate. It's laminated, mostly so I don't accidentally die from a paper cut.

2. My hatred for John Travolta knows only one bound: Pulp Fiction. (The Samuel L. Jackson Effect cancels out the Travolta Factor, thereby enabling the Willis Quotient and Walken Vector to create a cinematic triumph).

3. #1 was a lie. It's not laminated.

4. I find White Castle to be delicious, even though it makes my intestines want to be out-testines.

5. I will watch anything that has Simon Pegg in it.

6. My Google-fu is better than yours.

7. Doctor Who is really, really, really, really, really, really awesome. David Tennant makes me confused about my sexuality. (Not really.)

8. Whenever I attempt to do an accent from any of the British Isles, it quickly lapses into very poor Scottish.

9. The URL ("loaf of doom") of this blog is the combination of my favorite word and my favorite phrase.

10. The sun is my natural enemy.

Happy New Year

Yes, it's nearly July. Shut up.

No one knows this blog exists even if I post on Comics Should Be Good (though not as often as I should) in something resembling a frequency. But I should maybe have some content on here or something in the event that someone accidentally lands on this here blog and uses it to judge whether life is worth living or not. Though, frankly, reading it will probably land them on "not," though I should remind you that a good 15% of my readership does not have the urge to hurt themselves upon visiting this site, thank you very much.

Favorite suffix?

I like "-opolis."

Additions to Bill's Favorite Words

6. Homunculus
7. Zeitgeist

Happy Birthday, Steve Guttenberg!

Still rocking at 49 years young, I'm sure. One day, I'll write that USA Network series just for you. You'll see.

Meanwhile, I can't wait for Three Men and a Middle-Aged Lady.

I just had an out-of-personality experience.

'Twas like I was spying on my own brain, and recalling my emotions as if they belonged to someone else. Strange.

Comics genius Mike Wieringo has died.

Rest in peace, Ringo. You were great.

Blog About Nothing

I've decided this is a "blog about nothing," much like Seinfeld was a "show about nothing." Except this blog is rarely funny, and therefore more realistic.

I'm not really sure why I keep this site up, even. I did write some good posts back in the day. That was two years ago. You should go read them. Heh.

Otherwise, catch me at Comics Should Be Good every day.

Bill War Journal 8/10/07

It's been a harrowing week-and-a-half, but my standoff with Wal-Mart has come to an end. They shall provide me with Hot Fuzz in widescreen and I get to keep the bonus disc.

Good thing it didn't come to a hunger strike.

Bill's Favorite Words

I've probably done a post like this before. Oh well.

1. Loaf
2. Haberdashery
3. Portcullis
4. Zeppelin
5. Sandwich

Introducing: My new Fantasy Adventure series of novels.

Here's a preview of the titles in the semi-autobiographical seven-book series:

Bill Reed and the Shatner's Kidney Stone

Bill Reed and the Chamberpot of Secretions

Bill Reed and the Pensioner of Alzheimer's

Bill Reed and the Giblets of Filler

Bill Reed and the Opera of the Phantom

Bill Reed and the Half-Black Artist Formerly Known as Prince

Bill Reed and the Dastardly Hellos

Thoughts?

She cannot doooo... the Smurrrrrrf.

This blog is over three years old. Surprisingly. Yes. And I've done next-to-nothing with it. Haha.

Also, I have fallen completely in love with Rilo Kiley's song "The Frug." And not just because of the Robocop reference.

That is all. Continue your fulfilling lives.

The Greatest Scam Perpetuated on Mankind

Bottled water.

Followed by the Electoral College.

My Favorite Ducks

Not really in order of preference, but almost. Google and/or Wiki the ones you're not familiar with.

1. Darkwing Duck
2. Howard the Duck
3. Scrooge McDuck
4. Destroyer Duck
5. Count Duckula
6. Daffy Duck/Duck Dodgers
7. Plucky Duck
8. The Mighty Ducks (from the animated series)
9. Duckman
10. Donald Duck
11. Launchpad McQuack
12. Gizmoduck
13. NegaDuck
14. Moby Duck
15. The Aflac Duck
16. Baby Huey
17. Psyduck
18. Huey
19. Dewey
20. Louie

Purposefully left off the list: Mallard Fillmore.

Did I miss any good ones?

I Remember.

The awesomest thing on the internets

Master Chief vs. Samus vs. the Covenant. This is maybe the coolest thing I've seen in a long time. Holy crap. I mean it. Jeezum crow. The dude who did this is a genius. Read the tags for some more info.

Watch it now. And don't blink or you'll miss something mind-blowingly awesome. And watch it till the end. Especially after the credits.

The Greatest Movie of All Time?

I'm supposed to be writing a paper, but I've decided to watch a telecast of Robocop 3 instead. Geez, I haven't seen this in years and years-- maybe since it first hit TV. I used to love Robocop. Well, I still do, I just never act upon it. (Now I realize I have to somehow track down every issue of the Marvel Comics Robocop series. Damn.)

The cast is ridiculous. EVERYBODY is in this movie. Mako. Jill Hennessy. Stephen Root. Bradley Whitford. Rip Torn. CCH Pounder. The commandant from Malcolm in the Middle. The obligatory Kurtwood Smith archive footage. Hot damn. (No Peter Weller in this one, though. Bah.)

It's got jetpacks, robot ninjas, dirty cops, shootouts... it's got Dark Knight Returns-esque (after all, Frank Miller did co-write the thing, apparently) groups of corporate flunkies (the bad cops, and some thugs) versus a resistance movement (underground shmoes and disillusioned Detroit cops looking to do the right thing despite the consequences). There's a scene where Robocop punches through the windshield of a pimpmobile he's driving to shoot at a SWAT van of dirty cops. Did I mention the pimpmobile is on fire? And he's still coming at them? When the people of the city finally band together against OCP, there's even an old lady firing an automatic weapon! It's got Robocop flying in on a jetpack and blowing stuff up! Dear God, it's uncanny.

And it's got the return of the ED-209. Oh hell yeah. (Actually, I think they cut out the only ED-209 scene in the movie. Damn network television.)

So one would think it's the greatest movie ever, right? Well, no. Far from it. In fact, it's bloody awful. The acting, the cinematography, the production values... a lot of it is pretty subpar. I mean, it's got the best special effects ever, for 1984. Too bad it came out in 1993.

However, I still like it. I mean, it's hilarious. If anything, its overall quality is enhanced by its craptitude. It's so big and crazy, but the scope couldn't compete with the budget. Still-- dammit, they tried so hard. It's about time they were recognized for the effort. And it's a hell of an effort. Then again, what else would one expect from Frank Miller (Lord knows how badly they butchered his script--in fact, I don't even think he actually worked on this movie, but, whatever) and director Fred Dekker, the guy who helmed The Monster Squad. Yes, the one with "Wolfman's got nards!"

The film, if I dare call it that, is really just an over-the-top B-movie. I am perfectly okay with that. I love this kind of movie. Hell, I want to know why they haven't made a new Robocop movie! (Researching this, I discovered an animated series and a TV mini I hadn't heard about. Now, the original TV show, I knew, but... a mini-series made in 2000? I must find this. And something else called Robocop: Alpha Commando? What the hell are these things? Why did no one tell me about them?) If I ever find myself with any power at all in Hollywood... I'm bringing Robocop back. Right after I adapt Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency to the big screen.

Robocop 3 absolutely bombed at the box office. Box Office Mojo tells me it only made ten million in the theater. Compared to the first two, that's abysmal. I can see why it performed as such. Regardless, it now lives forever in Bill's Hall of Awesomeness, where many obscure, forgotten, or disrespected things can proudly exist. At least one person thinks they're cool, even if it's just me.

For more things in the Hall of Awesomeness, check out my (here comes the plug, do do doo doo) 365 Reasons to Love Comics column at Comics Should Be Good.

Something new from Bill every day.

The 365 Reasons to Love Comics Archive at Comics Should Be Good. And check out the main page every day for a new Reason to love my favorite arts medium!

THE INTERNETZ IS MINE

I'm on Comicspace now. You'll want to be my friend. Like the cool kids.

Also, I'm still doing the Comics Should Be Good thing. Seventeen days in and haven't missed yet! This is probably a record in terms of me doing stuff.

Soon I will control all of the internet superthoroughfare! MWAHAHAH

World's best redundant word

Spunge

\Spunge\ (sp[u^]nj), n. A sponge. [Obs.]

I LIVE

That's right. I dispatched your assassins. Ha. And I am up to things. Things and nefarious plans. Moohoohahahahahaha

Anyway, so, like, I've started a short-but-sweet daily column over at Comics Should Be Good entitled "365 Reasons to Love Comics." Look for it every day ending with Y.

Otherwise, I'm not doing much, excepting sitting around and watching MASH on DVD.

Batman Saves the Day

Years ago, I discovered a Batman script sample on the internet so terrible, it boggled the mind. It stayed as an in-joke in instant messaging conversations for years, but it was lost to the winds of time and never seen again.

Until today.

Finally, my Google-Fu prevailed, and I discovered a dead URL. But hey, there's this Internet Archive thing now. Success! I've found it again: the worst script ever. It's called "Batman Saves the Day," and I save it here, for posterity's sake. Cherish this, my friends.

---

OCT/99
DEAR EDITOR PERSON:

My name is XXXXX XXXX. I am a resident of Canada. Lately I have been trying to break into the comic book business as a script writer. I have done much research on the subject. I have contacted different companies by mail, phone and E-mail. I have gotten books from the library, spoken to people at comic book stores, and even been to several conventions. I have finished high school and two years of college. I have even gotten hold of a real comic script. I have practiced writing in my spare time. I would now like to work for your company. I have included some of my work with this letter. I would like for you to glance at it and tell me if you are interested in my work in any way. Feel free to take your time looking over it, and responding. Thank you.

SINCERELY YOURS
XXXXX XXXX

Bat-sample script:

SAMPLE SCRIPT by XXXXX XXXX Starring Batman

Panel 1: It is past midnight in Gotham. We are looking at the downtown area of Gotham City. We see vapor coming from the many factories and buildings. We see atop one of the buildings we see the dark knight, Batman himself. He Has a serious look on his face as he peers out over his city. He is deep in thought. This is a back view of him. His cape flutters in the wind. The moon is partly hidden by the clouds.

#1 CAPTION (cap for short): The city seems quiet tonight. But looks can be deciving. Somewhere out there is some innocent person is being raped, murdered or worse.

#2 CAP: There are times when I wonder if I do any good

#3 TITLE: BATMAN SAVES THE DAY
#4 WRITER: XXXXX XXXX
#5 PENCILER: ######
#6 INKER: ######
#7 COLORIST: ######
#8 EDITOR : ######

PANEL 2: Batman hears a scream, he swings his head he has a frightened/concerned look on his face. This is a close up of his head.

#9 SOUND EFFECTS (SFX for short): EEEEKKKK!

#10 CAP: I knew it was too good to be true.

PANEL 3: Batman shoots out his cable thingee. As he does this he jumps off the side of the building we see his cape fly in the background.

#11 CAP: That scream was not the kind made by people fooling around. Someone was in dire need, and I intend to help them.

PAGE TWO
Panel 1: We change views we see an alley now in the alley we see an little old lady being mugged two young punks. The lady is short. She is terrified we see a tear coming down her cheek. She is screaming. The two punks are young. Their jackets are similar, one would think they were in a gang. One punk is grabbing for her purse. He has a red mohawk. The other is a black kid. In the background we see a scared alley cat hiss

#1 LADY: "OH GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME, PLEASE!!"
#2 PUNK: "Shut up and gimme yo purse lady."
#3 CAP: I never have to look very hard to find filth in this town.

PANEL 2: The lady falls down, the two punks turn and see the Batman come swinging down on his cord thingee. Batman looks mean, and ready to teach these punks a lesson. The punks are surprised by him. One punk even drops the purse.

#4 PUNK: "What the......"
#5 PUNK #2: "It's the Batman!"
#6 LADY: "sob..."

PANEL 3: Batman lands, as soon as he does this he is on the punks. Batguy lunges at the black punk, the punk tries to pull out his knife, but he is not fast enough
The other punk backs up against the wall, terrified

#7 CAP: I had to take these punks out fast and quick.
#8 CAP: I didn't see a gun, but I didn't want to take chances.
#9 PUNK #2: "The Batman, I'm outta here!"

PANEL 4: The old lady backs against the wall not knowing what was going on. Batman is finishing off the first punk. Batman smothers him. The other punk drops his knife and starts to run.

#10 CAP: I see his partner is running, not much of a friend is he?
#11 CAP: His friend will get a broken jaw, broken leg, and a dislocated arm.
#12 CAP: Fair enough payment for what he did to the woman.

PAGE THREE
PANEL 1: The punk tries to run, but the Batman is upon him. The punk is terrified. The old lady sits against the wall, not quite sure of what is happening. We see the other punk on the ground in much pain

#1 CAP: This punk is mine.
#2 PUNK: "Oh God! Oh God!"
#3 LADY: "Mother of Mercy....."

PANEL 2: Batman lands on the punk, smothers him, and incapacitates him. Exactly what the Batman does to him is not shown. We just see the punks face. He is in pain

#4 CAP: This punk is taken care of, the police will do the rest.

PANEL 3: The action is over. Batman rises ignoring the punks. They will not eb going anywhere. He calmly walks up to the old lady. As he does he extends his hand to help her. The woman extends her hand as well. She is crying. Batman feels sorry for her

#5 BATMAN: "Are you all right MIss, it is over. Those two will not be harming anyone any time soon."

#6 LADY: "Who...who are you?"
#7 BATMAN: "I am called the Batman."

PANEL 3: Batman helps the lady to her feet, as he does he hears police sirens

#8 SFX: WOOO WOO WOO

PANEL 4: The Bat starts on his way. He turns his back on the lady and makes his exit. before he does the lady asks him a question

#9 BATMAN: I must go, my work here is done."
#10 LADY: Wait young mane' "

PANEL 5: She smiles at him, she still has a few tears on her cheek, but she smiles

#11 LADY: "Thank you for saving my life young man. there are times when I thought there were no good people left in this city. I see now that I was very wrong.

#12 BATMAN: "Thank you Miss, I must go now."

PAGE FOUR
PANEL 1: The Bat shoots out his grappling cord thingee. He leaps away just as the cops come around the corner. The lady still has a few tears come down her cheek, but she has a smile on her face. She has her hands cupped. The two punks are on the ground out cold.

#1 CAP: My job here is done. The police will do the rest.

PANEL 2: The Bat lands on the roof of the building he just climbed. He dashes away, he does not even look back. We see the moon in the background.

#2 CAP: On an earlier note this night I was wondering if I had made any difference.

#3 CAP: That kind old lady I saved tonight showed me that I did.

PANEL 3: The Bat stands there on a roof ledge and looks out over his city as he did previously We see smog coming from several roof factories

#4 CAP: What that lady told me did more good for me than all the money in the world.

#5 CAP: Many times I have wondered about the path I would have chosen. wondered what would have happened if my parents had never died.

PANEL 4: In this panel shows a front view of the Bat standing on the ledge. His cape flaps in the wind

#6 CAP: But I learnt tonight that any act of good, no matter how small, makes a difference.

PANEL 5: This is another close up. In this panel we only see his face. The Bat smiles

#7 CAP: And that makes my burden just a little bit lighter.

Panel 6: The Bat shoots his grappling thingee and jumps away. This panel is silent.

Boot sector!? DIE

Damn you, Microsoft!
My laptop crashed this morning;
Next time I buy Mac.

Guess what I just saw...

My Most Hotly Anticipated Movie of 2007

Take this, Spider-Man 3:

Dr. House sings

Yeah, I've pretty much given up on updating this thing in any sense of regularity or coherence. If anything, you imaginary readers (maybe some poor schmoes who accidentally clicked onto this thing from the links at Comics Should Be Good) can expect, oh, sporadic non-sequitirs and wacky pictures and maybe an incoherent rant here or there.

Anyway, here's Hugh Laurie being awesome:

SHA---*coughcough* or "How To Cast a Captain Marvel Movie"

Remember, I can't draw. At all. But this idea was too good to pass up. So here is Bruce Campbell as Captain Marvel!

Click to enlarge.



I didn't ink it because, well, when I ink things, I ruin them. And it took twenty minutes of fighting with my scanner to get this image looking like this, anyway. But... there it is! Voila!

Happy Father's Day

No, I haven't posted in a while.

Yes, Comics Should Be Good has moved. We're on CBR now. Clicky the linky.

Carry on.

The 2005 Year-in-Review Revue

I’d like to say that year went by fast, but frankly I lost track of it anyway. January, you say? I didn’t notice. I’ve been too busy watching my Wonderfalls DVDs which all you gits should have purchased and watched and loved by now. It’s the most brilliant cancelled show in years.

So, did this year suck? A bit. I think. From what I can remember. Good year for storms. And pirates. And yeah, there were a few good comics which will be covered over on Comics Should Be Good over the next week or so. Check those out. My opinions are the best. Naturally.

I’m speaking in very short sentences today. Phrases, mostly. Defying the rules of grammar? Yes. Screw grammar. I am a writer, and hence I can invent my own grammar. Other poor schmucks have to abide by the rules. Poor bastards.

(Is my surliness coming across as comedic or more assholish? I’m trying to perfect my asshole comedy.)

Anyway, 2005. Let’s all just agree that it sucked now and move on. But then, what about those gleaming bright spots throughout the craptacularity (it’s a word now, dammit. Yes, I could’ve just said ‘craptacle’ but there’s no going back now) of the past 26 fortnights? They deserve coverage too. So I’ll talk about, like, pop culture. Because, y’know, reality? I’m not a big fan. I try not to pay attention to it. It hates me enough as it is.

Best Movie: There were a few contenders for this. Naturally, there are the nerd picks, which include Batman Begins, as well as the movie I eventually chose as my favorite. But then, there was Sin City, which had surprising mainstream appeal (especially for a black and white comic adaptation that may be the most violent movie ever). Another good one was The 40 Year Old Virgin, the funniest movie I’ve seen in years. However, these cannot surpass the glory that was Serenity. We nerds stick with our own. Action! Comedy! Romance! Fist-pumping awesomeness! How could I ever doubt Joss Whedon? I mean, I was no big fan of Firefly, but the movie made a believer out of me and it totally kicked Star Wars’s ass. Yes, Revenge of the Spliff sucked, though not as much as War of the Worlds.

Side note: This year, I hit a record for most times I ended up watching stuff in the theater for full price. Damn. I hate spending money.

Best TV Show: Now, it was not Lost. You Lost nerds can skip to the next part now, and the truly righteous will keep reading.

Still with us? Good. Okay, this year I officially became addicted to medical dramas. House! Grey’s Anatomy! ER reruns on TNT every morning! I know. Dreadful, isn’t it? And then, well, there was the return of Family Guy. And Arrested Development remained the world’s smartest comedy. So what did I end up going with?

Boston Legal. Yes, I still shamelessly love this show (Canada episode? Best episode ever.) I’m going to cheat, however, and declare it a tie. The co-winner? House. I mean, I never thought a cohabitation domicile could carry a doctor show either, but it did.

Edit: Never mind. Screw it. I'm giving it to Arrested Development anyway. Bwahaha.

Best Book: What the hell’s a book?

I’d do an Actor/Director/Writer thing, but I’m lazy. So, screw it. Hee hee.

P.S. I’ve become addicted to this Kingdom of Loathing game. Yes, I’m the last one to find out about it. But it’s fun. Try it out if you haven’t already. It’s a good game for nerds and dorks. Like yourselves, lowly peasants, for I am your Nerd King.

Of course, I’ve only just now become addicted to the Grand Theft Auto games (except San Andreas which refuses to work on my Xbox, the bastard), but I already know I’m the last person on Earth to start playing that. Bah.

Go buy Wonderfalls now. I command thee.

Addendum:


You are Wash. Not only are you a great pilot, you
are also the joker of the group. Your devotion
to your wife is admirable, though you sometimes
feel insecure. Thank god you shaved off your
moustache.


Which Firefly character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

We all saw this coming.

Coolest Old People

So here's a top ten list of the coolest old people that are still alive. I think they pretty much speak for themselves, and I'm too lazy to make with the 'splainy. Readysetgogogadgethotpants!

10. Hugh Hefner
9. Bob Barker
8. Stan Lee
7. Carol Channing
6. Kurt Vonnegut
5. Sean Connery
4. Alan Alda
3. Adam West
2. William Shatner
1. Abe Vigoda

Honorable Mentions: Michael Caine, Clint Eastwood, Gerald Ford, Angela Lansbury, Carl Reiner, Andy Rooney, Elvis.

ASS2ASS*

It's later. Here's more.

All-Star Superman, simply put, is brilliant. Grant Morrison just instinctively *gets* it. Buy it now.

P.S. See what I did with the title there? Utilizing the acronym of the comic and relating it to the name of Morrison's band, ass2ass? No? Well, I thought it was funny...

This Just In...

All-Star Superman = Awesome.

More later.

The Greatest Thing of All Time

One guy playing a jaunty tune and reading out 700 hobo names for an hour.

It's utterly brilliant.

(And is that 'Big Rock Candy Mountain' he's strumming?)

I am a leaf on the wind.

Go see Serenity.

NOW!

Best Ye Be Talkin' Like a Pirate, or It Be the Plank for Yeh!

Avast, ye land-lubbers. 'Tis the 19th of Septembarrr, and so it be Talk Like a Pirate Day! Yarrr. And if ye don't wish to be walkin' the plank or swabbin' the poop deck or fetchin' me bunghole, ye be wantin' to pay attention to me pimpin' this'n following comical novelette: Scurvy Dogs!

This be true pirate literature, it be. Also it be hilarious and zany romp about pirates and hobos and monkeys and Portuguese lepers and pop culture references. Arr.

Buy it here, but be lookin' at their site first, matey. Truly, it be the funniest comic book evarrr made.

Gyarr. It's a pirate's life for me.

I Will Write Aquaman for Free (DC, I'm callin' you out!)

Reprinted from Comics Should Be Good:

Attention! DC Editorial. This is Bill Reed speaking. Do not adjust your monitors. I am in control of the internet. It's also come to my attention, thanks to Lying in the Gutters (no fancy links, I'm pressed for time! You all know where it is, anyway), that no creative team has yet been chosen for Aquaman (unless it has. In which case, bah).

I offer you my services, for free. I shall write Aquaman, and it shall be glorious. And it will cost you nothing.

All I ask for is one year to prove my mettle; and in that time, (or even six months), if sales are not doubled on what they current are (which is from 15-17k if I remember correctly), I shall eat something which most folks would consider inedible.

Trust me; I've got a fun pitch. I've got mad ideas. I am Grant Morrison Jr. (When I say "Grant Morrison" out loud, I transform into a pint-sized super-version of him!). I can do this. No sweat.

With a decent enough artist, hopefully one that's at least slightly well-known, and quite capable, I can make Aquaman the brilliantly awesome comic it was meant to me. Arthurian fantasy. Madcap modpop. The thing writes itself.

And if you get Mike Allred to draw it, I'll pay you twenty dollars.

That is all. You are free to go. For now. But remember my offer. One day, I'll have to write Aquaman. Might as well get it over with, eh?

Aquaman Should Be Good. Over and out.

*ksshk*

Brains.

Yes, now I'm stealing gimmicks from other blogs. Blog link of the now!

Anyway, continuing the short-but-sweet blogging ditties, I've been playing a lot of Urban Dead, a text-ish-based zombie apocalypse massively multiplayer online RPG. It is fun. Check it out.

Watch this space

For those of you interested.

This is for my own records.
Continue going about your business.

Da Fug!

No, I never got around to writing that Seaguy thesis or whatever, but here's a post I just made on another message board which sums up most of my thoughts:

Yeah, Seaguy is pretty bewildering, but I liked it. It's a fugue-like madcap romp in a world that doesn't know it's crazy, and has charming characters and kooky stuff and all the things one likes in Grant Morrison comics. It seems to be mainly about how corporations and brands are trying to homogenize the world and rob it of its special qualities, and of the power of the individual; after all, individuation is a key theme in most of Morrison's stuff.

Seaguy is also the story of a child's life, or at least, I think so. We've got Seaguy, who is, apparently, a superhero, but he never really goes on any adventures; it could be all in his head, with Chubby da Choona as his "imaginary friend." There are also the parent figures; Anti-Dad is the father and he "dies" but his presence still lingers (I'm sure he's behind Mickey Eye, somehow), and as the "child" that is Seaguy discovers the horrors of the world, in his process of becoming an "adult," his world falls apart around him, the shadows creep in, it seems like everyone's after him, something harmless and cuddly turns into a giant penis monster, his "imaginary friend" dies, the girl he has a crush on (She-Beard... and if that's not a euphemism, I don't know what is) rejects him, the friendly old guy he hung out with turns out to be just like any other adult (evil and in the world of business... it's like when you hear that Mr. Rogers was a sniper in the military) and he runs off to hide with his mummy (mommy) on the moon, but the horrors of the adult world follow him anyway, and then brainwash him into being an imagination-less slave of an evil conglomerate.

So it's really a coming-of-age story about puberty and adolescence.

The ambiguous ending has me wanting more. Does the wink mean Seaguy remembers Chubby and is totally on top of the world, or that he only *thinks* he knows what's going on, but is really just a pathetic cog in the machine? I'm dying for the other two mini-series to wrap it up, but Cameron Stewart tells us that nothing's in the pipeline yet and might not be for some time, or ever. So who knows? Maybe Mickey Eye wins after all.

Stuff.

For those of you who may be interested: Penultimate Battlers, over at the Parodyverse. The second in a series of concentrated superhero madness filled with crazy ideas and imagination, much like this "Lithium Age" I've been talking about.

And over at Comics Should Be Good: Egg Story review.

Sent from a Lappy
Probably in the basement

He's Got My Vote!

www.walken2008.com

Healing America by Beating People Up!

Dammit, I'm going to have to buy this now.

Nextwave. Warren Ellis. Stuart Immonen. Two-issue arcs. D-List superhero rock star fight comics with an ADD anime vibe.

January.

If You'd Like to Read a Blog Post, Please Hang Up and Try Again

Yeah, so I tried to write some post or something, but I've come up with a distinct lack of things to say. A few things, though:

1. Yes, I'll be doing some reviews shortly, over at Comics Should Be Good--- not that they're of anything recent, just trades I've finally purchased.

2. Yes, I've got evil plans for some cool internet comiculture thing. We'll see if they pan out; sometime this year.

3. None of you sent me money; Bill smash.

3 ½. I like cookies.

'Tis me birthday.

Send money, you cretins.

Haiku Achoo

Well-groomed Tony Blair;
The English Prime Minister?
Overlord of Doom!

A monstrous lizard.
The behemoth from Japan.
Oh no! Godzilla!

A monkey in space.
Rocketing through nebulas.
His name is Bojo.

Let's go to the hop.
A shindig or hootnanny?
Joanie loves Chachi.

I wrote this poem.
Five, seven, five syllables.
I haiku. Do you?

Remembering Jim Aparo

Jim Aparo died less than twenty-four hours ago, at the age of 72. I'd say he was one of the most underrated artists in comics... he was a highly capable workhouse who drew some damn fine comics. His work was sharp and crisp, but sturdy and solid. His heroes were carved out of granite, and his work was infused with an understated power, an intensity hidden within the lines. He pencilled, inked, and even lettered an awful lot of fine comics.

For a lot of us, Aparo probably did the definitive Batman. I wouldn't say he was my favorite Batman artist, but his Batman was one of the first I'd encountered and I loved his work as a kid, and greatly appreciate it today. He also did, for some of us, the definitive Aquaman and Spectre.

He was also there, pencil at the ready, for humongous events. When the general public voted to kill off Robin? He drew it. When the third Robin, Tim drake, was introduced? He drew it. When Batman's back was broken? He drew it. When Aquaman's infant son died? He drew it. When Batman joined the Outsiders? He drew it. When Batman teamed up with every single character in the DC Universe, every month in the pages of Brave and the Bold? He drew it.

Hell, he was even held hostage by super-villains once! (Image courtesy of Mile High Comics)

He was cool. And now he's gone. He'll be missed.

So it goes...

Twelve Days Later...

See, I told you I wasn't very good at consistent content. Yet, apparently, I've been getting a couple extra hits or something, probably since I accepted Blogging Machine and Dictator Brian Cronin's invitation to write for Comics Should Be Good. So you'll find occasional comics commentary on that site from me as well. And hopefully I've been funneling some traffic to both here and there because of my posts on the Newsarama forums.

And DC has finally decided to do the right thing and publish the third volume in the Doom Patrol trade paperback series, so we have extra Morrison goodness to look forward to in October (don't forget the Arkham Asylum Anniversary Edition Softcover, either). It includes the first appearance of Flex Mentallo (he's even mentioned in the solicit!), so hopefully this is a sign that they'll put the Flex series in trade. We can only hope. (Yeah, so I talk about Grant Morrison comics a lot. Um... I'm sure I'll get around to some other author's work eventually.)

You might be able to expect another "Doom Patois" column from me once volume two arrives in the mail. It'll be posted here if it's extra-long, probably, although it may show up on CSBG. I haven't decided. Maybe I won't even get around to writing it.

Also in October, weird and obscure DC superhero Metamorpho is getting a massive black-and-white Showcase retrospective omnibus collection, detailing his Silver Age adventures. Could be a lot of fun, and at least a nice look at Ramona Fradon's art. Hopefully these Showcase volumes continue, especially for more obscure properties, because I'd love an Arnold Drake Doom Patrol one, or an Elongated Man collection. And eventually, I hope they get around to 70's Kirby, because that stuff was brilliant. I'm very glad DC's got around to putting out cheap, black-and-white collections of older material, akin to Marvel's "Essential" line. I can see myself buying an awful lot of these (whereas the Marvel stuff doesn't interest me too much, outside of Thor and Fantastic Four).

More Muscle Mystery

Speaking of Flex Mentallo, I have *just* stumbled upon a great little look at the series, recapping the plot and analyzing a few things much better than I did. It's located on the Barbelith wiki. Click here to read it. And look below for what may be my favorite panel in the entire comic.

Why I Believe in Superheroes

I believe in superheroes. And hopefully, this post will explain why, and delve into a brilliant, fascinating work of graphic literature that is, in my humble opinion, the greatest comic book ever created. Also, this little column gives me an excuse to post a lot of more neat comic panels from the aforementioned Greatest Comic Ever. In fact, I was considering doing something of a countdown of my Top Ten Favorite Comics, but I haven't even worked out what those are (I keep placeholder spots for brilliant comics I haven't read yet). So, maybe one day, I will finally be able to assess a proper Top Ten. But, for now, you know, think about the best stuff Morrison, Moore, Miller, Simonson, and Giffen/DeMatteis ever did, and that's about what it is. Perhaps.

Anyway, the superheroes. I agree with my pal and fellow mad writer Andrew M. Dean's statement: "Superheroes are the greatest literary invention of the 20th century." I've found myself repeating that a lot, mainly because it is utterly true and should be shouted from the rooftops. Other writers might find it a bit silly that quite a few people think of superheroes as a modern mythology, but not I. No, I think the idea of the superhero, and quite a few executions of that idea, are primal representations of humanity’s spirit, dreams, dignity, and all that good stuff. The superheroes were born out of the cultural zeitgeists of their times, and plucked from the archetypal Jungian soup of our collective unconscious (if you believe in that sort of thing). I think that the comic book is a wonderful medium, the ultimate collaborative art form and a powerful storytelling method that’s gotten a bit lost in the corporate shuffle. Still, if there’s one thing comics do best (well, one of many things), it’s superheroes.

No other comic teaches this lesson better than Flex Mentallo, a four issue mini-series from 1996 by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely (the same two that brought us JLA: Earth 2, New X-Men, We3, and soon, All Star Superman). It is the ultimate love letter to superheroes and the comics art form. It was also the subject of a lawsuit against DC/Vertigo by the Charles Atlas people, because, well, the character of Flex Mentallo (who first appeared in an issue of Morrison’s Doom Patrol) is, in its basest form, a parody of the old Charles Atlas bodybuilding ads. Anyway, DC won the case but has shied away from reprinting Flex in a trade paperback, so the comic is dreadfully rare and obscure. It sells for lots of money on eBay relatively regularly though, so buy it if you’ve got the bucks. If you don’t, you can always download it (“But remember kids, downloading comics is wrong!”).

Before I begin, I’d like to mention that you can find annotations for Flex by clicking here, but they probably won’t do you much good if you don’t have the book itself.

Now, what’s the comic about, you ask? Well, that’s... complicated. It would take me pages and pages to explain and analyze this comic fully, and it still won’t be worth it if you don’t have access to the book, which most people, sadly, do not. The book is an experience. It broke my brain and changed my view of the world and my writing. So, yes, it’s profound, and profoundly important to me personally. In this limited blog space, hopefully I’ll be able to cover the basics, talk it up a bit, throw some panels at you (remember: copyright, Morrison, Quitely, DC/Vertigo, etc.), and get you interested in seeking it out, that is, if it ever comes out in TPB form.

Flex Mentallo covers quite a few myriad plot threads which are all connected and all come together by the end, literally and thematically and all that. Part of it is about Flex Mentallo

himself. Flex is a kid’s comic book creation come to life, lost in a strange world he doesn’t entirely understand, filled with superheroes he doesn’t recognize. However, a mysterious old ally of his named The Fact seems to have popped up again, so Flex does his best to track him down, following a surreal path filled with drugs, debauchery, fantasy, and realism. We also meet Wally Sage, Flex’s creator, a twentysomething rocker who’s overdosed on drugs and calls a Suicide Hotline or somesuch only wanting to talk about comics and superheroes as his world is torn apart around him. Plus there’s also bits with a detective and a villain named the Hoaxer and stuff, and the secrets of the universe.

It’s a post-modern, fairly self-aware comic. It tells an adventure of the character Flex Mentallo while flashing back to his past, fictions within fictions. Meanwhile, Wally Sage’s life is flashing before his eyes, and we visit his past, his memories of the past, his dreams, and his hallucinatory acid trips. The reader is never quite sure what timeline or reality the narrative is taking place in, but that doesn’t quite matter to the plot. I’ll let the introduction from the annotations site explain further:

“Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely's Flex Mentallo, on the other hand, does not place its heroes within a novelistic or realistic world--a linear world--but rather within a fragmentary matrix of parallel universes and alternate realities, within a wild and meta-aware history of comics itself. Flex Mentallo is a comic about comics; it revels in the traditions of superhero comic books--narrative, semiotic, and corporate alike--even as it critiques them. It is an absolutely brilliant work, but it is, in many ways, an ‘inside joke.’”

To understand the book, one really has to have experience with superhero comics history. Each issue seems to be structured akin to a different comics era. There is the Silver Age issue, the Grim-and-Gritty issue, etc. The comic is at times a pastiche of superhero comics, but it’s also a loving tribute to them, filled with homages and references.

Yet, as we read, we never know what is “real,” what is a “fiction.” In truth, it is all of the above all at once. In the final issue, and I’m going to spoil a bit of the magic for you, if you don’t mind, Flex Mentallo battles the Man-in-the-Moon, who turns out to be the disillusioned teenage Wally Sage. At the same time, the adult Wally Sage is traversing his own psyche, through parallel worlds of being. He decides, in the end, that he never took any drugs, that they were, in fact, M&Ms, and so saves himself just as Flex Mentallo is *also* saving him. We learn that, some time ago, in another reality, the superheroes, in order to save their own universe, became fictional in ours.

“Welcome,” says the comic. “You have been inhabiting the first ultra-post-futurist comic: characters are allowed full synchrointeraction with readers on this level.” It is after this that Wally Sage discovers and says the magic word that brought the universe into being, and the world is transformed; the superheroes become real once more, seen in a breathtaking final page as they soar into the sky. It all hinges on the power of belief; belief in life and love and comics and superheroes and the world. It gives us hope for the world and the future, and a renewed appreciation for the concept of the superhero.

I’m not sure all of the above made sense. What I do know is that Flex Mentallo is a helluva ride, and it made me believe in superheroes. It’ll do the same for you. And that, my friends, is why it is better than Watchmen. Flex gets a 10/10, ‘natch.

In future installments, I may revisit a few more Flex bits, and also go over some more of my favorite comics. I’d like to keep this dealy regularly updated, but I’m also making stuff up as I go along.