Friday, November 12, 2004

Cutting a swath of glimmering gleam

Take this, Imaginary Readership!
The world doesn't make as much sense as it does on the tee-vee. You can hope and pray that all your problems will resolve themselves in comic fashion within thirty to sixty minutes (if you count commercials), but the truth is, they just don't... unless you're very lucky.
Ahh, to be four again. No worries. No responsibilities. No languishing depression or obsessive compulsion or deranged paranoia or hopelessly doomed romance. Just a limitless imagination, the undying urge to create, and the Godzilla animated series, every day on channel 83. Life goes on, though, and when you come to be a certain age, you realize one terrible fact: Godzooky can't solve all of your problems anymore. And it's here that we pick up, in a life filled with
languishing depression, obsessive compulsion, deranged paranoia, and hopelessly doomed romance.
Love is literally the scariest thing in the world. And I imagine that, if it doesn't scare the crap out of you, and nearly give you a heart attack, well, it's probably not worth it. But it's crossing that threshold that's the hardest thing to do... Lord knows how many times I've completely ucked it all fup. And the truth is... maybe somewhere I wanted to. I'm frightened, you see, frightened to death of... of...
It's incredibly hard for me to write about this, you know. I hate discussing my feelings, and I can rarely manage to put them into words... especially if there's an audience. You out there are my imaginary audience, and as unreal as you may be, you're still listening. The walls have ears. Or the corn has ears. One of those.
This story starts where all stories start: It starts with a girl. Now, this wasn't just any girl. This was the filet mignon of girls. So beautiful she could melt your heart, and your eyes, from thirty paces. Which is just what happened. And so I fell, and at first, it was just a minor crush, and that was satisfying enough. But I was unfulfilled, and wanted desperately to pursue it. This was where the fear came in; I was way out of my league, here, and desperately, maddeningly afraid of rejection... like I am in most things. Which is why I seemed perfectly calm to simply sit there and shut up, and step to the side if necessary... which I did, in fact, a few times. I was depressed, majorly, and I retreated... and her discovering how I felt didn't help matters, and that's not mentioning how much I made a complete and foolish ass out of myself numerous times during the course of these shenanigans. I really have no idea how to handle relationships with people, and I completely screwed everything up. And yet I still couldn't shake my feelings.
Cut to the present: she's seeing somebody and I'm still a lonely and depressed weasel. I am, quite possibly, over this whole thing. Or perhaps I'm just trying to convince myself of such; I feel that I want to be, as I know it's an entirely pointless endeavor. And yet... it still hurts a little every time I see her. And I still feel regret. But I'm working to develop a new infatuation. But are they real feelings or just an excuse to get away from things? Even I don't know.
But what I have done is possibly screwed stuff up more. Just a small , supposedly witty but sappy note scrawled down relatively quickly... a chance to sum up the world. But there are no magic words, and I'm afraid I chose my words incorrectly. I'm afraid, now, that it says "Hey! I'm obsessed with you!" when what I really wanted to say was... "Listen. I was utterly in love with you, and I still think you're a charming and beautiful young woman who will actually have a fulfilling and enjoyable life. And I invite you to. And hey, one day, fifty years from now, if I turn the corner in Tibet and see you standing there, I won't even be surprised. I still care about you, yes, and that's why I want to see you have the greatest life possible. And dammit, one day, I expect an invitation to your wedding... and I'll do my best to forever hold my peace. I'll be waiting... see you around." Actually, there's probably more to that, but I can't remember it right now... and that seems good enough.
Not all of us can press a button and have a gigantic lizard come to our rescue. And hey... maybe some of us don't need it.
I'm out.

No comments: