Friday, June 03, 2011

If they asked Bill to relaunch the DC Universe and write all 52 titles, these are what they'd be.

Bully sorta did a gag like this already, yes. And I won't clog up CSBG space with my fandreams. But really, DC, you shoulda gave me a call before you went ahead and gambled your stamp. You can't just publish "superhero comics." Everything needs its own subgenre.
  1. Action Comics #1 - Would not actually be #1, but #905 or whatever, for there are some traditions even I like to uphold. This one would basically be Superman Family, an 80 page bi-monthly anthology aimed at the newsstand market especially. There will be action in it.
  2. Superman #1 - The Adventures of Superboy (when he was a man). Sci-fi adventure romance.
  3. Supergirl #1 - Actually aimed at teen girls, because it's about a teen girl
  4. The Adventures of Jimmy Olsen #1 - A crazy, hyper-compressed day-glo adventure tour of the DCU.
  5. Lois Lane & the Daily Planet #1 - Investigative journalism adventure.
  6. Detective Comics #882 or whatever, not #1, that's just silly, Batman didn't even show up until #27: Another 8-buck 80-pager, covering the Bat-family. Lead story is crime-fic, but with Batman. Or supernatural horror, but with Batman. Whichever.
  7. Batman #1 I guess: The Wire, but with Batman. And punching. And death traps, and explosions. Did The Wire have those things?
  8. Batman Inc #11: Grant Morrison can keep this one. It has two ones, so it is superior.
  9. Robin the Boy Bastard #1: Damian needs his own series.
  10. Batwoman #1: Because JH Williams has to draw something and I guess he wants to draw this.
  11. Gotham Central #1: Now with Gordon and Bullock back, it'll be even better.
  12. Aquaman #1: Undersea Arthurian science-fantasy adventure.
  13. Flash #1: A new guy. Asian particle physicist. No more Speed Force, no more Barry. Science hero for the 21st century.
  14. Green Lantern #1: A new lady. Indian astrophysicist. Space exploration adventure for the 21st century.
  15. Wonder Woman #1: Anthropological mythology adventure. Yes, I use the word "adventure" a lot. I will continue to do so. Superhero comics are about adventure, goddammit.
  16. J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter #1: Philosophical detective spy-fi superhero adventure. The concept shapeshifts as much as the hero.
  17. Justice League International #1: Bwa-ha-ha but with the Big Seven or Eight or whatever.
  18. JLB #1: The second-run team. The back-ups, the reserves, the trainees. The Little Seven or Eight or whatever.
  19. Justice League Universe #1: A bi-weekly, 16-page (with backmatter) series exploring the whole of the DC Universe, no stone left unturned, no character left unloved. Sold for $2 an issue.
  20. Jonah Hex #1: Hardboiled western noir.
  21. Blackhawk #1: Retro-future aviator espionage adventure. There are no white guys in this comic. There is a talking gorilla.
  22. Challengers: F#$% the Unknown #1: In glorious KIRBYVISION.
  23. Phantom Stranger #1: A tour of the supernatural underbelly of the DC Universe. H.P. Lovecraft's Doctor Who.
  24. Swing with Scooter #1: Archie meets the Beatles meets Scooby Doo meets Buffy meets Scott Pilgrim.
  25. Wednesday Comics II #1: It is what you think it is.
  26. Teen Titans #1: There's gotta be a way to make it not suck.
  27. Legion of Super-Heroes #1: See also - Teen Titans.
  28. Shazam! (is a word Captain Marvel says) #1: See also - Legion of Super-Heroes.
  29. Metal Men #1: This one is a manga.
  30. Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld #1: So is this, but for girls.
  31. Swamp Thing #1: By comics blogger law.
  32. Justice Society of America #1: Takes place during WWII, dammit.
  33. Sgt. Rock #1: So does this, come to think of it.
  34. OMAC #9: This one picks up where Jack Kirby left off and just keeps going like it hasn't been 36 years.
  35. Elongated & Wife #1: Thin Man. With superheroes.
  36. Plastic Man #1: Because you can probably sell two different series featuring stretchy dudes if the tones are drastically different.
  37. Kamandi the Last Boy on Earth #1: Post-apocalyptic boy's adventure, c'mon.
  38. Adventure Comics #1: 80 pages, 8 bucks. What's in it? Space adventure, sea adventure, land adventure.
  39. Blue Beetle #1: Jaime gets another go.
  40. Doom Patrol #1: It's been like three months, time to do it again. But properly. Existentialist, nihilist body horror superheroes. With hearts of gold. Who stumble into the weird shit.
  41. Rex the Motherfucking Wonder Dog #1: Maybe it's a Vertigo title.
  42. Seven Soldiers #1: A new mini-series, with seven different obscure DC characters, in various points in the timeline, and yes, Tommy Tomorrow and the Viking Prince are in it. And probably Tomahawk, or Scalphunter.
  43. Frankenstein! #1: But let's not forget the last Seven Soldiers guys. Especially the spy-fi horror action hulk.
  44. The Manhattan Guardian #1: Or the inner-city adventurer of the people.
  45. The Sinister House of Secret Love #1: Because damn, what a title.
  46. Solo #1: For those too cool for Wednesday Comics II.
  47. Static #1: For Dwayne.
  48. Black Canary & the Birds of Prey #1: Chicks with kicks. (Just for giggles, let's say the "Birds" this time are Huntress, Big Barda, Nightwing (Cassandra Cain), the Bulleteer, The Question, and Skyrocket. None of them have exposed midriffs.)
  49. Xombi #8: John Rozum can keep it. I don't want it to go away.
  50. Dial H for Hero Hotline #1: I had Hawkman in this spot, but fuck Hawkman.
  51. Plop! #1: Yes.
  52. First Issue Special #1: Tee-hee.
I was running out of steam by the end, but I could also keep going, because I am an idea machine.


Nitz the Bloody said...

I endorse your template over the country club Justice League we still endure.

Anonymous said...

Is it wrong that I think you should be a co-publisher at DC?

Some of these sound great. I could just be your enthusiasm, but you've got my attention.

I'm especially a fan of the Flash idea and the Green Lantern idea and the Metal Men and Amethyst ideas.