God help us all

It begins:

@billreads

And now for 52 Marvel relaunches

They asked, I answered. I never thought I'd make it to 52, but then, well, I hit over 60, and had to pare it down.

Whereas DC Comics seems fit more for big ideas and concepts, Marvel is all about character interaction. There are a lot of team and group books below. Marvel's also got a bigger problem with diversity, in my opinion, but I tried to hit as many vital demographics as I could, and I push hard for a wider audience base. Anyway, here we go:

The Marvel Universe:

1. Fantastic Four
2. Marvel Two-in-One featuring The Thing
3. Amazing Spider-Man
4. Web of Spider-Man: A monthly collection of a free weekly six-page Spider-Man webcomic
5. Sinister Six: A series about Spidey's rogues gallery
6. The Avengers
7. Secret Avengers: Featuring Black Widow, Venom (Flash), Ant-Man, Sleepwalker, Cloak, and Dagger.
8. Avengers UK: Captain Britain/MI13 but with a more profitable title
9. The All New, All Different X-Men: Hated and Feared
10. Iron Man 2099
11. Here Comes Daredevil, the Man Without Fear
12. The Incredible Hulk
13. Black Panther
14. Sleepwalker
15. Journey Into Mystery with Beta Ray Bill
16. Marvel Boy
17. ROM Spaceknight
18. The Offenders: Starring Deathlok, SuperPro, Zombie, Satana, Sun Girl, and Nth Man the Ultimate Ninja
19. Nextwave: Kick/'Splode
20. Shang-Chi: Kung Fu Superspy
21. Alias Cage & Jones
22. Devil Dinosaur: Agent of SHIELD
23. D-Man and the Howling Commandos
24. Marvel Comics Presents - a bi-weekly or monthly anthology that also collects webcomic features in print. Starts off with Wolverine, Deadpool, Damage Control, and Howard the Duck, with rotating features.

Marvel Midnight:

25. Dr. Strange
26. Ghost Riders
27. Brother Voodoo
28. Nightstalkers: Starring Man-Wolf, Wolfsbane, Werewolf by Night, and Hannibal King
29. Where Monsters Dwell: Starring Elsa Bloodstone, Gilgamesh, and the Legion of Monsters

Young Adult/Teen:

30. Thor: The Mighty Avenger
31. Captain America: The Fighting Avenger
32. Avengers Academy: Now with Amadeus Cho
33. X-Men: Gifted Youngsters
34. Runaways
35. Power Pack
36. Galacta, Daughter of Galactus
37. Spider-Girl and the New Warriors: Featuring Spider-Girl, Gravity, Thunderstrike, Patriot, Power Man, and Ladyhawk)

Written, Drawn, and Edited by Women, for Women, Starring Women:

38. She-Hulk: Super-Lawyer
39. Miss America: A new, Native American superheroine
40. Night Nurse: Hospital drama set in the Marvel Universe
41. Thoroughly Model Millie: '60s-set romantic comedy
42. Dakota North, PI
43. Heroines for Hire: Starring all the women of the MU

MAX:

44. Punisher MAX
45. Nick Fury MAX: Starring Samuel L. Jackson
46. The Gulf MAX: A “sequel” to The 'Nam about the current Iraq War
47. Dazzler MAX: A mature readers book aimed at women.

Everything Else:

48. Ravage 2012
49. Strikeforce: Morituri
50. Killraven: War of the Worlds
51. Not Brand Ecch
52. Street Poet Ray

So they asked who should take over the Batman film franchise...

...over at Spinoff (hi, Graeme), and I said:

Wes Anderson: A wry, modern reclamation of the 1966 TV series, Anderson's Batman (Sam Rockwell) is a guy in the throes of a midlife crisis, who has built himself a family from the ground up, with Robin (Jason Schwartzman), Batgirl (Ellen Page), and his trusty butler, Alfred (Michael Gambon)-- plus Aunt Harriet (also Michael Gambon), who is starting to think Bruce and Dick's relationship might not be so platonic. Meanwhile, he continues his harried caped crusade against his enemies, including a Joker who's forgotten how to laugh (Bill Murray), a Catwoman who's becoming more cougar than sex kitten (Gwyneth Paltrow), a Penguin who's just been diagnosed with lung cancer (Bud Cort), and a Riddler who has seemingly mellowed out thanks to prescription medication (Willem Dafoe).

Also, every villain's henchmen are played by the same three guys-- Luke, Owen, and Andrew Wilson.

If they asked Bill to relaunch the DC Universe and write all 52 titles, these are what they'd be.

Bully sorta did a gag like this already, yes. And I won't clog up CSBG space with my fandreams. But really, DC, you shoulda gave me a call before you went ahead and gambled your stamp. You can't just publish "superhero comics." Everything needs its own subgenre.

1. Action Comics #1 - Would not actually be #1, but #905 or whatever, for there are some traditions even I like to uphold. This one would basically be Superman Family, an 80 page bi-monthly anthology aimed at the newsstand market especially. There will be action in it.
2. Superman #1 - The Adventures of Superboy (when he was a man). Sci-fi adventure romance.
3. Supergirl #1 - Actually aimed at teen girls, because it's about a teen girl
4. The Adventures of Jimmy Olsen #1 - A crazy, hyper-compressed day-glo adventure tour of the DCU.
5. Lois Lane & the Daily Planet #1 - Investigative journalism adventure.
6. Detective Comics #882 or whatever, not #1, that's just silly, Batman didn't even show up until #27: Another 8-buck 80-pager, covering the Bat-family. Lead story is crime-fic, but with Batman. Or supernatural horror, but with Batman. Whichever.
7. Batman #1 I guess: The Wire, but with Batman. And punching. And death traps, and explosions. Did The Wire have those things?
8. Batman Inc #11: Grant Morrison can keep this one. It has two ones, so it is superior.
9. Robin the Boy Bastard #1: Damian needs his own series.
10. Batwoman #1: Because JH Williams has to draw something and I guess he wants to draw this.
11. Gotham Central #1: Now with Gordon and Bullock back, it'll be even better.
    
12. Aquaman #1: Undersea Arthurian science-fantasy adventure.
13. Flash #1: A new guy. Asian particle physicist. No more Speed Force, no more Barry. Science hero for the 21st century.
14. Green Lantern #1: A new lady. Indian astrophysicist. Space exploration adventure for the 21st century.
15. Wonder Woman #1: Anthropological mythology adventure. Yes, I use the word "adventure" a lot. I will continue to do so. Superhero comics are about adventure, goddammit.
16. J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter #1: Philosophical detective spy-fi superhero adventure. The concept shapeshifts as much as the hero.
    
17. Justice League International #1: Bwa-ha-ha but with the Big Seven or Eight or whatever.
18. JLB #1: The second-run team. The back-ups, the reserves, the trainees. The Little Seven or Eight or whatever.
19. Justice League Universe #1: A bi-weekly, 16-page (with backmatter) series exploring the whole of the DC Universe, no stone left unturned, no character left unloved. Sold for $2 an issue.
20. Jonah Hex #1: Hardboiled western noir.
21. Blackhawk #1: Retro-future aviator espionage adventure. There are no white guys in this comic. There is a talking gorilla.
    
22. Challengers: F#$% the Unknown #1: In glorious KIRBYVISION.
    
23. Phantom Stranger #1: A tour of the supernatural underbelly of the DC Universe. H.P. Lovecraft's Doctor Who.
    
24. Swing with Scooter #1: Archie meets the Beatles meets Scooby Doo meets Buffy meets Scott Pilgrim.
25. Wednesday Comics II #1: It is what you think it is.
26. Teen Titans #1: There's gotta be a way to make it not suck.
27. Legion of Super-Heroes #1: See also - Teen Titans.
28. Shazam! (is a word Captain Marvel says) #1: See also - Legion of Super-Heroes.
    
29. Metal Men #1: This one is a manga.
30. Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld #1: So is this, but for girls.
31. Swamp Thing #1: By comics blogger law.
32. Justice Society of America #1: Takes place during WWII, dammit.
33. Sgt. Rock #1: So does this, come to think of it.
34. OMAC #9: This one picks up where Jack Kirby left off and just keeps going like it hasn't been 36 years.
    
35. Elongated & Wife #1: Thin Man. With superheroes.
36. Plastic Man #1: Because you can probably sell two different series featuring stretchy dudes if the tones are drastically different.
37. Kamandi the Last Boy on Earth #1: Post-apocalyptic boy's adventure, c'mon.
    
38. Adventure Comics #1: 80 pages, 8 bucks. What's in it? Space adventure, sea adventure, land adventure.
    
39. Blue Beetle #1: Jaime gets another go.
40. Doom Patrol #1: It's been like three months, time to do it again. But properly. Existentialist, nihilist body horror superheroes. With hearts of gold. Who stumble into the weird shit.
    
41. Rex the Motherfucking Wonder Dog #1: Maybe it's a Vertigo title.
42. Seven Soldiers #1: A new mini-series, with seven different obscure DC characters, in various points in the timeline, and yes, Tommy Tomorrow and the Viking Prince are in it. And probably Tomahawk, or Scalphunter.
    
43. Frankenstein! #1: But let's not forget the last Seven Soldiers guys. Especially the spy-fi horror action hulk.
44. The Manhattan Guardian #1: Or the inner-city adventurer of the people.
45. The Sinister House of Secret Love #1: Because damn, what a title.
46. Solo #1: For those too cool for Wednesday Comics II.
    
47. Static #1: For Dwayne.
    
48. Black Canary & the Birds of Prey #1: Chicks with kicks. (Just for giggles, let's say the "Birds" this time are Huntress, Big Barda, Nightwing (Cassandra Cain), the Bulleteer, The Question, and Skyrocket. None of them have exposed midriffs.)
    
49. Xombi #8: John Rozum can keep it. I don't want it to go away.
50. Dial H for Hero Hotline #1: I had Hawkman in this spot, but fuck Hawkman.
    
51. Plop! #1: Yes.
    
52. First Issue Special #1: Tee-hee.

I was running out of steam by the end, but I could also keep going, because I am an idea machine.