Happy Birthday, Steve Guttenberg!

Still rocking at 49 years young, I'm sure. One day, I'll write that USA Network series just for you. You'll see.

Meanwhile, I can't wait for Three Men and a Middle-Aged Lady.

I just had an out-of-personality experience.

'Twas like I was spying on my own brain, and recalling my emotions as if they belonged to someone else. Strange.

Comics genius Mike Wieringo has died.

Rest in peace, Ringo. You were great.

Blog About Nothing

I've decided this is a "blog about nothing," much like Seinfeld was a "show about nothing." Except this blog is rarely funny, and therefore more realistic.

I'm not really sure why I keep this site up, even. I did write some good posts back in the day. That was two years ago. You should go read them. Heh.

Otherwise, catch me at Comics Should Be Good every day.

Bill War Journal 8/10/07

It's been a harrowing week-and-a-half, but my standoff with Wal-Mart has come to an end. They shall provide me with Hot Fuzz in widescreen and I get to keep the bonus disc.

Good thing it didn't come to a hunger strike.

Bill's Favorite Words

I've probably done a post like this before. Oh well.

1. Loaf
2. Haberdashery
3. Portcullis
4. Zeppelin
5. Sandwich

Introducing: My new Fantasy Adventure series of novels.

Here's a preview of the titles in the semi-autobiographical seven-book series:

Bill Reed and the Shatner's Kidney Stone

Bill Reed and the Chamberpot of Secretions

Bill Reed and the Pensioner of Alzheimer's

Bill Reed and the Giblets of Filler

Bill Reed and the Opera of the Phantom

Bill Reed and the Half-Black Artist Formerly Known as Prince

Bill Reed and the Dastardly Hellos

Thoughts?

She cannot doooo... the Smurrrrrrf.

This blog is over three years old. Surprisingly. Yes. And I've done next-to-nothing with it. Haha.

Also, I have fallen completely in love with Rilo Kiley's song "The Frug." And not just because of the Robocop reference.

That is all. Continue your fulfilling lives.

The Greatest Scam Perpetuated on Mankind

Bottled water.

Followed by the Electoral College.

My Favorite Ducks

Not really in order of preference, but almost. Google and/or Wiki the ones you're not familiar with.

1. Darkwing Duck
2. Howard the Duck
3. Scrooge McDuck
4. Destroyer Duck
5. Count Duckula
6. Daffy Duck/Duck Dodgers
7. Plucky Duck
8. The Mighty Ducks (from the animated series)
9. Duckman
10. Donald Duck
11. Launchpad McQuack
12. Gizmoduck
13. NegaDuck
14. Moby Duck
15. The Aflac Duck
16. Baby Huey
17. Psyduck
18. Huey
19. Dewey
20. Louie

Purposefully left off the list: Mallard Fillmore.

Did I miss any good ones?

I Remember.

The awesomest thing on the internets

Master Chief vs. Samus vs. the Covenant. This is maybe the coolest thing I've seen in a long time. Holy crap. I mean it. Jeezum crow. The dude who did this is a genius. Read the tags for some more info.

Watch it now. And don't blink or you'll miss something mind-blowingly awesome. And watch it till the end. Especially after the credits.

The Greatest Movie of All Time?

I'm supposed to be writing a paper, but I've decided to watch a telecast of Robocop 3 instead. Geez, I haven't seen this in years and years-- maybe since it first hit TV. I used to love Robocop. Well, I still do, I just never act upon it. (Now I realize I have to somehow track down every issue of the Marvel Comics Robocop series. Damn.)

The cast is ridiculous. EVERYBODY is in this movie. Mako. Jill Hennessy. Stephen Root. Bradley Whitford. Rip Torn. CCH Pounder. The commandant from Malcolm in the Middle. The obligatory Kurtwood Smith archive footage. Hot damn. (No Peter Weller in this one, though. Bah.)

It's got jetpacks, robot ninjas, dirty cops, shootouts... it's got Dark Knight Returns-esque (after all, Frank Miller did co-write the thing, apparently) groups of corporate flunkies (the bad cops, and some thugs) versus a resistance movement (underground shmoes and disillusioned Detroit cops looking to do the right thing despite the consequences). There's a scene where Robocop punches through the windshield of a pimpmobile he's driving to shoot at a SWAT van of dirty cops. Did I mention the pimpmobile is on fire? And he's still coming at them? When the people of the city finally band together against OCP, there's even an old lady firing an automatic weapon! It's got Robocop flying in on a jetpack and blowing stuff up! Dear God, it's uncanny.

And it's got the return of the ED-209. Oh hell yeah. (Actually, I think they cut out the only ED-209 scene in the movie. Damn network television.)

So one would think it's the greatest movie ever, right? Well, no. Far from it. In fact, it's bloody awful. The acting, the cinematography, the production values... a lot of it is pretty subpar. I mean, it's got the best special effects ever, for 1984. Too bad it came out in 1993.

However, I still like it. I mean, it's hilarious. If anything, its overall quality is enhanced by its craptitude. It's so big and crazy, but the scope couldn't compete with the budget. Still-- dammit, they tried so hard. It's about time they were recognized for the effort. And it's a hell of an effort. Then again, what else would one expect from Frank Miller (Lord knows how badly they butchered his script--in fact, I don't even think he actually worked on this movie, but, whatever) and director Fred Dekker, the guy who helmed The Monster Squad. Yes, the one with "Wolfman's got nards!"

The film, if I dare call it that, is really just an over-the-top B-movie. I am perfectly okay with that. I love this kind of movie. Hell, I want to know why they haven't made a new Robocop movie! (Researching this, I discovered an animated series and a TV mini I hadn't heard about. Now, the original TV show, I knew, but... a mini-series made in 2000? I must find this. And something else called Robocop: Alpha Commando? What the hell are these things? Why did no one tell me about them?) If I ever find myself with any power at all in Hollywood... I'm bringing Robocop back. Right after I adapt Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency to the big screen.

Robocop 3 absolutely bombed at the box office. Box Office Mojo tells me it only made ten million in the theater. Compared to the first two, that's abysmal. I can see why it performed as such. Regardless, it now lives forever in Bill's Hall of Awesomeness, where many obscure, forgotten, or disrespected things can proudly exist. At least one person thinks they're cool, even if it's just me.

For more things in the Hall of Awesomeness, check out my (here comes the plug, do do doo doo) 365 Reasons to Love Comics column at Comics Should Be Good.

Something new from Bill every day.

The 365 Reasons to Love Comics Archive at Comics Should Be Good. And check out the main page every day for a new Reason to love my favorite arts medium!

THE INTERNETZ IS MINE

I'm on Comicspace now. You'll want to be my friend. Like the cool kids.

Also, I'm still doing the Comics Should Be Good thing. Seventeen days in and haven't missed yet! This is probably a record in terms of me doing stuff.

Soon I will control all of the internet superthoroughfare! MWAHAHAH

World's best redundant word

Spunge

\Spunge\ (sp[u^]nj), n. A sponge. [Obs.]

I LIVE

That's right. I dispatched your assassins. Ha. And I am up to things. Things and nefarious plans. Moohoohahahahahaha

Anyway, so, like, I've started a short-but-sweet daily column over at Comics Should Be Good entitled "365 Reasons to Love Comics." Look for it every day ending with Y.

Otherwise, I'm not doing much, excepting sitting around and watching MASH on DVD.

Batman Saves the Day

Years ago, I discovered a Batman script sample on the internet so terrible, it boggled the mind. It stayed as an in-joke in instant messaging conversations for years, but it was lost to the winds of time and never seen again.

Until today.

Finally, my Google-Fu prevailed, and I discovered a dead URL. But hey, there's this Internet Archive thing now. Success! I've found it again: the worst script ever. It's called "Batman Saves the Day," and I save it here, for posterity's sake. Cherish this, my friends.

---

OCT/99
DEAR EDITOR PERSON:

My name is XXXXX XXXX. I am a resident of Canada. Lately I have been trying to break into the comic book business as a script writer. I have done much research on the subject. I have contacted different companies by mail, phone and E-mail. I have gotten books from the library, spoken to people at comic book stores, and even been to several conventions. I have finished high school and two years of college. I have even gotten hold of a real comic script. I have practiced writing in my spare time. I would now like to work for your company. I have included some of my work with this letter. I would like for you to glance at it and tell me if you are interested in my work in any way. Feel free to take your time looking over it, and responding. Thank you.

SINCERELY YOURS
XXXXX XXXX

Bat-sample script:

SAMPLE SCRIPT by XXXXX XXXX Starring Batman

Panel 1: It is past midnight in Gotham. We are looking at the downtown area of Gotham City. We see vapor coming from the many factories and buildings. We see atop one of the buildings we see the dark knight, Batman himself. He Has a serious look on his face as he peers out over his city. He is deep in thought. This is a back view of him. His cape flutters in the wind. The moon is partly hidden by the clouds.

#1 CAPTION (cap for short): The city seems quiet tonight. But looks can be deciving. Somewhere out there is some innocent person is being raped, murdered or worse.

#2 CAP: There are times when I wonder if I do any good

#3 TITLE: BATMAN SAVES THE DAY
#4 WRITER: XXXXX XXXX
#5 PENCILER: ######
#6 INKER: ######
#7 COLORIST: ######
#8 EDITOR : ######

PANEL 2: Batman hears a scream, he swings his head he has a frightened/concerned look on his face. This is a close up of his head.

#9 SOUND EFFECTS (SFX for short): EEEEKKKK!

#10 CAP: I knew it was too good to be true.

PANEL 3: Batman shoots out his cable thingee. As he does this he jumps off the side of the building we see his cape fly in the background.

#11 CAP: That scream was not the kind made by people fooling around. Someone was in dire need, and I intend to help them.

PAGE TWO
Panel 1: We change views we see an alley now in the alley we see an little old lady being mugged two young punks. The lady is short. She is terrified we see a tear coming down her cheek. She is screaming. The two punks are young. Their jackets are similar, one would think they were in a gang. One punk is grabbing for her purse. He has a red mohawk. The other is a black kid. In the background we see a scared alley cat hiss

#1 LADY: "OH GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME, PLEASE!!"
#2 PUNK: "Shut up and gimme yo purse lady."
#3 CAP: I never have to look very hard to find filth in this town.

PANEL 2: The lady falls down, the two punks turn and see the Batman come swinging down on his cord thingee. Batman looks mean, and ready to teach these punks a lesson. The punks are surprised by him. One punk even drops the purse.

#4 PUNK: "What the......"
#5 PUNK #2: "It's the Batman!"
#6 LADY: "sob..."

PANEL 3: Batman lands, as soon as he does this he is on the punks. Batguy lunges at the black punk, the punk tries to pull out his knife, but he is not fast enough
The other punk backs up against the wall, terrified

#7 CAP: I had to take these punks out fast and quick.
#8 CAP: I didn't see a gun, but I didn't want to take chances.
#9 PUNK #2: "The Batman, I'm outta here!"

PANEL 4: The old lady backs against the wall not knowing what was going on. Batman is finishing off the first punk. Batman smothers him. The other punk drops his knife and starts to run.

#10 CAP: I see his partner is running, not much of a friend is he?
#11 CAP: His friend will get a broken jaw, broken leg, and a dislocated arm.
#12 CAP: Fair enough payment for what he did to the woman.

PAGE THREE
PANEL 1: The punk tries to run, but the Batman is upon him. The punk is terrified. The old lady sits against the wall, not quite sure of what is happening. We see the other punk on the ground in much pain

#1 CAP: This punk is mine.
#2 PUNK: "Oh God! Oh God!"
#3 LADY: "Mother of Mercy....."

PANEL 2: Batman lands on the punk, smothers him, and incapacitates him. Exactly what the Batman does to him is not shown. We just see the punks face. He is in pain

#4 CAP: This punk is taken care of, the police will do the rest.

PANEL 3: The action is over. Batman rises ignoring the punks. They will not eb going anywhere. He calmly walks up to the old lady. As he does he extends his hand to help her. The woman extends her hand as well. She is crying. Batman feels sorry for her

#5 BATMAN: "Are you all right MIss, it is over. Those two will not be harming anyone any time soon."

#6 LADY: "Who...who are you?"
#7 BATMAN: "I am called the Batman."

PANEL 3: Batman helps the lady to her feet, as he does he hears police sirens

#8 SFX: WOOO WOO WOO

PANEL 4: The Bat starts on his way. He turns his back on the lady and makes his exit. before he does the lady asks him a question

#9 BATMAN: I must go, my work here is done."
#10 LADY: Wait young mane' "

PANEL 5: She smiles at him, she still has a few tears on her cheek, but she smiles

#11 LADY: "Thank you for saving my life young man. there are times when I thought there were no good people left in this city. I see now that I was very wrong.

#12 BATMAN: "Thank you Miss, I must go now."

PAGE FOUR
PANEL 1: The Bat shoots out his grappling cord thingee. He leaps away just as the cops come around the corner. The lady still has a few tears come down her cheek, but she has a smile on her face. She has her hands cupped. The two punks are on the ground out cold.

#1 CAP: My job here is done. The police will do the rest.

PANEL 2: The Bat lands on the roof of the building he just climbed. He dashes away, he does not even look back. We see the moon in the background.

#2 CAP: On an earlier note this night I was wondering if I had made any difference.

#3 CAP: That kind old lady I saved tonight showed me that I did.

PANEL 3: The Bat stands there on a roof ledge and looks out over his city as he did previously We see smog coming from several roof factories

#4 CAP: What that lady told me did more good for me than all the money in the world.

#5 CAP: Many times I have wondered about the path I would have chosen. wondered what would have happened if my parents had never died.

PANEL 4: In this panel shows a front view of the Bat standing on the ledge. His cape flaps in the wind

#6 CAP: But I learnt tonight that any act of good, no matter how small, makes a difference.

PANEL 5: This is another close up. In this panel we only see his face. The Bat smiles

#7 CAP: And that makes my burden just a little bit lighter.

Panel 6: The Bat shoots his grappling thingee and jumps away. This panel is silent.

Boot sector!? DIE

Damn you, Microsoft!
My laptop crashed this morning;
Next time I buy Mac.

Guess what I just saw...