The awesomest thing on the internets

Master Chief vs. Samus vs. the Covenant. This is maybe the coolest thing I've seen in a long time. Holy crap. I mean it. Jeezum crow. The dude who did this is a genius. Read the tags for some more info.

Watch it now. And don't blink or you'll miss something mind-blowingly awesome. And watch it till the end. Especially after the credits.

The Greatest Movie of All Time?

I'm supposed to be writing a paper, but I've decided to watch a telecast of Robocop 3 instead. Geez, I haven't seen this in years and years-- maybe since it first hit TV. I used to love Robocop. Well, I still do, I just never act upon it. (Now I realize I have to somehow track down every issue of the Marvel Comics Robocop series. Damn.)

The cast is ridiculous. EVERYBODY is in this movie. Mako. Jill Hennessy. Stephen Root. Bradley Whitford. Rip Torn. CCH Pounder. The commandant from Malcolm in the Middle. The obligatory Kurtwood Smith archive footage. Hot damn. (No Peter Weller in this one, though. Bah.)

It's got jetpacks, robot ninjas, dirty cops, shootouts... it's got Dark Knight Returns-esque (after all, Frank Miller did co-write the thing, apparently) groups of corporate flunkies (the bad cops, and some thugs) versus a resistance movement (underground shmoes and disillusioned Detroit cops looking to do the right thing despite the consequences). There's a scene where Robocop punches through the windshield of a pimpmobile he's driving to shoot at a SWAT van of dirty cops. Did I mention the pimpmobile is on fire? And he's still coming at them? When the people of the city finally band together against OCP, there's even an old lady firing an automatic weapon! It's got Robocop flying in on a jetpack and blowing stuff up! Dear God, it's uncanny.

And it's got the return of the ED-209. Oh hell yeah. (Actually, I think they cut out the only ED-209 scene in the movie. Damn network television.)

So one would think it's the greatest movie ever, right? Well, no. Far from it. In fact, it's bloody awful. The acting, the cinematography, the production values... a lot of it is pretty subpar. I mean, it's got the best special effects ever, for 1984. Too bad it came out in 1993.

However, I still like it. I mean, it's hilarious. If anything, its overall quality is enhanced by its craptitude. It's so big and crazy, but the scope couldn't compete with the budget. Still-- dammit, they tried so hard. It's about time they were recognized for the effort. And it's a hell of an effort. Then again, what else would one expect from Frank Miller (Lord knows how badly they butchered his script--in fact, I don't even think he actually worked on this movie, but, whatever) and director Fred Dekker, the guy who helmed The Monster Squad. Yes, the one with "Wolfman's got nards!"

The film, if I dare call it that, is really just an over-the-top B-movie. I am perfectly okay with that. I love this kind of movie. Hell, I want to know why they haven't made a new Robocop movie! (Researching this, I discovered an animated series and a TV mini I hadn't heard about. Now, the original TV show, I knew, but... a mini-series made in 2000? I must find this. And something else called Robocop: Alpha Commando? What the hell are these things? Why did no one tell me about them?) If I ever find myself with any power at all in Hollywood... I'm bringing Robocop back. Right after I adapt Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency to the big screen.

Robocop 3 absolutely bombed at the box office. Box Office Mojo tells me it only made ten million in the theater. Compared to the first two, that's abysmal. I can see why it performed as such. Regardless, it now lives forever in Bill's Hall of Awesomeness, where many obscure, forgotten, or disrespected things can proudly exist. At least one person thinks they're cool, even if it's just me.

For more things in the Hall of Awesomeness, check out my (here comes the plug, do do doo doo) 365 Reasons to Love Comics column at Comics Should Be Good.

Something new from Bill every day.

The 365 Reasons to Love Comics Archive at Comics Should Be Good. And check out the main page every day for a new Reason to love my favorite arts medium!

THE INTERNETZ IS MINE

I'm on Comicspace now. You'll want to be my friend. Like the cool kids.

Also, I'm still doing the Comics Should Be Good thing. Seventeen days in and haven't missed yet! This is probably a record in terms of me doing stuff.

Soon I will control all of the internet superthoroughfare! MWAHAHAH

World's best redundant word

Spunge

\Spunge\ (sp[u^]nj), n. A sponge. [Obs.]

I LIVE

That's right. I dispatched your assassins. Ha. And I am up to things. Things and nefarious plans. Moohoohahahahahaha

Anyway, so, like, I've started a short-but-sweet daily column over at Comics Should Be Good entitled "365 Reasons to Love Comics." Look for it every day ending with Y.

Otherwise, I'm not doing much, excepting sitting around and watching MASH on DVD.

Batman Saves the Day

Years ago, I discovered a Batman script sample on the internet so terrible, it boggled the mind. It stayed as an in-joke in instant messaging conversations for years, but it was lost to the winds of time and never seen again.

Until today.

Finally, my Google-Fu prevailed, and I discovered a dead URL. But hey, there's this Internet Archive thing now. Success! I've found it again: the worst script ever. It's called "Batman Saves the Day," and I save it here, for posterity's sake. Cherish this, my friends.

---

OCT/99
DEAR EDITOR PERSON:

My name is XXXXX XXXX. I am a resident of Canada. Lately I have been trying to break into the comic book business as a script writer. I have done much research on the subject. I have contacted different companies by mail, phone and E-mail. I have gotten books from the library, spoken to people at comic book stores, and even been to several conventions. I have finished high school and two years of college. I have even gotten hold of a real comic script. I have practiced writing in my spare time. I would now like to work for your company. I have included some of my work with this letter. I would like for you to glance at it and tell me if you are interested in my work in any way. Feel free to take your time looking over it, and responding. Thank you.

SINCERELY YOURS
XXXXX XXXX

Bat-sample script:

SAMPLE SCRIPT by XXXXX XXXX Starring Batman

Panel 1: It is past midnight in Gotham. We are looking at the downtown area of Gotham City. We see vapor coming from the many factories and buildings. We see atop one of the buildings we see the dark knight, Batman himself. He Has a serious look on his face as he peers out over his city. He is deep in thought. This is a back view of him. His cape flutters in the wind. The moon is partly hidden by the clouds.

#1 CAPTION (cap for short): The city seems quiet tonight. But looks can be deciving. Somewhere out there is some innocent person is being raped, murdered or worse.

#2 CAP: There are times when I wonder if I do any good

#3 TITLE: BATMAN SAVES THE DAY
#4 WRITER: XXXXX XXXX
#5 PENCILER: ######
#6 INKER: ######
#7 COLORIST: ######
#8 EDITOR : ######

PANEL 2: Batman hears a scream, he swings his head he has a frightened/concerned look on his face. This is a close up of his head.

#9 SOUND EFFECTS (SFX for short): EEEEKKKK!

#10 CAP: I knew it was too good to be true.

PANEL 3: Batman shoots out his cable thingee. As he does this he jumps off the side of the building we see his cape fly in the background.

#11 CAP: That scream was not the kind made by people fooling around. Someone was in dire need, and I intend to help them.

PAGE TWO
Panel 1: We change views we see an alley now in the alley we see an little old lady being mugged two young punks. The lady is short. She is terrified we see a tear coming down her cheek. She is screaming. The two punks are young. Their jackets are similar, one would think they were in a gang. One punk is grabbing for her purse. He has a red mohawk. The other is a black kid. In the background we see a scared alley cat hiss

#1 LADY: "OH GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME, PLEASE!!"
#2 PUNK: "Shut up and gimme yo purse lady."
#3 CAP: I never have to look very hard to find filth in this town.

PANEL 2: The lady falls down, the two punks turn and see the Batman come swinging down on his cord thingee. Batman looks mean, and ready to teach these punks a lesson. The punks are surprised by him. One punk even drops the purse.

#4 PUNK: "What the......"
#5 PUNK #2: "It's the Batman!"
#6 LADY: "sob..."

PANEL 3: Batman lands, as soon as he does this he is on the punks. Batguy lunges at the black punk, the punk tries to pull out his knife, but he is not fast enough
The other punk backs up against the wall, terrified

#7 CAP: I had to take these punks out fast and quick.
#8 CAP: I didn't see a gun, but I didn't want to take chances.
#9 PUNK #2: "The Batman, I'm outta here!"

PANEL 4: The old lady backs against the wall not knowing what was going on. Batman is finishing off the first punk. Batman smothers him. The other punk drops his knife and starts to run.

#10 CAP: I see his partner is running, not much of a friend is he?
#11 CAP: His friend will get a broken jaw, broken leg, and a dislocated arm.
#12 CAP: Fair enough payment for what he did to the woman.

PAGE THREE
PANEL 1: The punk tries to run, but the Batman is upon him. The punk is terrified. The old lady sits against the wall, not quite sure of what is happening. We see the other punk on the ground in much pain

#1 CAP: This punk is mine.
#2 PUNK: "Oh God! Oh God!"
#3 LADY: "Mother of Mercy....."

PANEL 2: Batman lands on the punk, smothers him, and incapacitates him. Exactly what the Batman does to him is not shown. We just see the punks face. He is in pain

#4 CAP: This punk is taken care of, the police will do the rest.

PANEL 3: The action is over. Batman rises ignoring the punks. They will not eb going anywhere. He calmly walks up to the old lady. As he does he extends his hand to help her. The woman extends her hand as well. She is crying. Batman feels sorry for her

#5 BATMAN: "Are you all right MIss, it is over. Those two will not be harming anyone any time soon."

#6 LADY: "Who...who are you?"
#7 BATMAN: "I am called the Batman."

PANEL 3: Batman helps the lady to her feet, as he does he hears police sirens

#8 SFX: WOOO WOO WOO

PANEL 4: The Bat starts on his way. He turns his back on the lady and makes his exit. before he does the lady asks him a question

#9 BATMAN: I must go, my work here is done."
#10 LADY: Wait young mane' "

PANEL 5: She smiles at him, she still has a few tears on her cheek, but she smiles

#11 LADY: "Thank you for saving my life young man. there are times when I thought there were no good people left in this city. I see now that I was very wrong.

#12 BATMAN: "Thank you Miss, I must go now."

PAGE FOUR
PANEL 1: The Bat shoots out his grappling cord thingee. He leaps away just as the cops come around the corner. The lady still has a few tears come down her cheek, but she has a smile on her face. She has her hands cupped. The two punks are on the ground out cold.

#1 CAP: My job here is done. The police will do the rest.

PANEL 2: The Bat lands on the roof of the building he just climbed. He dashes away, he does not even look back. We see the moon in the background.

#2 CAP: On an earlier note this night I was wondering if I had made any difference.

#3 CAP: That kind old lady I saved tonight showed me that I did.

PANEL 3: The Bat stands there on a roof ledge and looks out over his city as he did previously We see smog coming from several roof factories

#4 CAP: What that lady told me did more good for me than all the money in the world.

#5 CAP: Many times I have wondered about the path I would have chosen. wondered what would have happened if my parents had never died.

PANEL 4: In this panel shows a front view of the Bat standing on the ledge. His cape flaps in the wind

#6 CAP: But I learnt tonight that any act of good, no matter how small, makes a difference.

PANEL 5: This is another close up. In this panel we only see his face. The Bat smiles

#7 CAP: And that makes my burden just a little bit lighter.

Panel 6: The Bat shoots his grappling thingee and jumps away. This panel is silent.

Boot sector!? DIE

Damn you, Microsoft!
My laptop crashed this morning;
Next time I buy Mac.

Guess what I just saw...

My Most Hotly Anticipated Movie of 2007

Take this, Spider-Man 3:

Dr. House sings

Yeah, I've pretty much given up on updating this thing in any sense of regularity or coherence. If anything, you imaginary readers (maybe some poor schmoes who accidentally clicked onto this thing from the links at Comics Should Be Good) can expect, oh, sporadic non-sequitirs and wacky pictures and maybe an incoherent rant here or there.

Anyway, here's Hugh Laurie being awesome:

SHA---*coughcough* or "How To Cast a Captain Marvel Movie"

Remember, I can't draw. At all. But this idea was too good to pass up. So here is Bruce Campbell as Captain Marvel!

Click to enlarge.



I didn't ink it because, well, when I ink things, I ruin them. And it took twenty minutes of fighting with my scanner to get this image looking like this, anyway. But... there it is! Voila!

Happy Father's Day

No, I haven't posted in a while.

Yes, Comics Should Be Good has moved. We're on CBR now. Clicky the linky.

Carry on.

The 2005 Year-in-Review Revue

I’d like to say that year went by fast, but frankly I lost track of it anyway. January, you say? I didn’t notice. I’ve been too busy watching my Wonderfalls DVDs which all you gits should have purchased and watched and loved by now. It’s the most brilliant cancelled show in years.

So, did this year suck? A bit. I think. From what I can remember. Good year for storms. And pirates. And yeah, there were a few good comics which will be covered over on Comics Should Be Good over the next week or so. Check those out. My opinions are the best. Naturally.

I’m speaking in very short sentences today. Phrases, mostly. Defying the rules of grammar? Yes. Screw grammar. I am a writer, and hence I can invent my own grammar. Other poor schmucks have to abide by the rules. Poor bastards.

(Is my surliness coming across as comedic or more assholish? I’m trying to perfect my asshole comedy.)

Anyway, 2005. Let’s all just agree that it sucked now and move on. But then, what about those gleaming bright spots throughout the craptacularity (it’s a word now, dammit. Yes, I could’ve just said ‘craptacle’ but there’s no going back now) of the past 26 fortnights? They deserve coverage too. So I’ll talk about, like, pop culture. Because, y’know, reality? I’m not a big fan. I try not to pay attention to it. It hates me enough as it is.

Best Movie: There were a few contenders for this. Naturally, there are the nerd picks, which include Batman Begins, as well as the movie I eventually chose as my favorite. But then, there was Sin City, which had surprising mainstream appeal (especially for a black and white comic adaptation that may be the most violent movie ever). Another good one was The 40 Year Old Virgin, the funniest movie I’ve seen in years. However, these cannot surpass the glory that was Serenity. We nerds stick with our own. Action! Comedy! Romance! Fist-pumping awesomeness! How could I ever doubt Joss Whedon? I mean, I was no big fan of Firefly, but the movie made a believer out of me and it totally kicked Star Wars’s ass. Yes, Revenge of the Spliff sucked, though not as much as War of the Worlds.

Side note: This year, I hit a record for most times I ended up watching stuff in the theater for full price. Damn. I hate spending money.

Best TV Show: Now, it was not Lost. You Lost nerds can skip to the next part now, and the truly righteous will keep reading.

Still with us? Good. Okay, this year I officially became addicted to medical dramas. House! Grey’s Anatomy! ER reruns on TNT every morning! I know. Dreadful, isn’t it? And then, well, there was the return of Family Guy. And Arrested Development remained the world’s smartest comedy. So what did I end up going with?

Boston Legal. Yes, I still shamelessly love this show (Canada episode? Best episode ever.) I’m going to cheat, however, and declare it a tie. The co-winner? House. I mean, I never thought a cohabitation domicile could carry a doctor show either, but it did.

Edit: Never mind. Screw it. I'm giving it to Arrested Development anyway. Bwahaha.

Best Book: What the hell’s a book?

I’d do an Actor/Director/Writer thing, but I’m lazy. So, screw it. Hee hee.

P.S. I’ve become addicted to this Kingdom of Loathing game. Yes, I’m the last one to find out about it. But it’s fun. Try it out if you haven’t already. It’s a good game for nerds and dorks. Like yourselves, lowly peasants, for I am your Nerd King.

Of course, I’ve only just now become addicted to the Grand Theft Auto games (except San Andreas which refuses to work on my Xbox, the bastard), but I already know I’m the last person on Earth to start playing that. Bah.

Go buy Wonderfalls now. I command thee.

Addendum:


You are Wash. Not only are you a great pilot, you
are also the joker of the group. Your devotion
to your wife is admirable, though you sometimes
feel insecure. Thank god you shaved off your
moustache.


Which Firefly character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

We all saw this coming.

Coolest Old People

So here's a top ten list of the coolest old people that are still alive. I think they pretty much speak for themselves, and I'm too lazy to make with the 'splainy. Readysetgogogadgethotpants!

10. Hugh Hefner
9. Bob Barker
8. Stan Lee
7. Carol Channing
6. Kurt Vonnegut
5. Sean Connery
4. Alan Alda
3. Adam West
2. William Shatner
1. Abe Vigoda

Honorable Mentions: Michael Caine, Clint Eastwood, Gerald Ford, Angela Lansbury, Carl Reiner, Andy Rooney, Elvis.

ASS2ASS*

It's later. Here's more.

All-Star Superman, simply put, is brilliant. Grant Morrison just instinctively *gets* it. Buy it now.

P.S. See what I did with the title there? Utilizing the acronym of the comic and relating it to the name of Morrison's band, ass2ass? No? Well, I thought it was funny...

This Just In...

All-Star Superman = Awesome.

More later.

The Greatest Thing of All Time

One guy playing a jaunty tune and reading out 700 hobo names for an hour.

It's utterly brilliant.

(And is that 'Big Rock Candy Mountain' he's strumming?)

I am a leaf on the wind.

Go see Serenity.

NOW!